You're perfect you know. I love to watch you sleep, just so innocent, so honest. You're so beautiful I could watch you forever.

When I opened this up again I didnt really think I would write a blog. I watched some video on facebook about people speeding and attending their own funerals and I was just thinking that theres so much I want to tell people that I havent if I died and that maybe I should write it down. That was why I came here. But then I began to read, and.. it hurts, you know, to see everything I've felt written down like that but at the same time it'll always be there. I like that. Maybe I'll write the name of my blog down, hidden away somewhere for someone to find one day, after im gone maybe. 

Its so strange. Ally. Reading all of that is horrible. I loved Ally, I did and maybe I always will in some way. We really are so alike and thats the worst part of it, that we just clashed a ridiculous amount. Ally isnt a bad person, not at all. We could be friends now. I just wish I had gotten out before I did. Our relationship changed me and not for the better. Its so hard to trust people now. After we eventually ended Ally got another girlfriend Paige and I ended up sleeping with him whilst he was with her because he 'loved' me and wanted to be with me and because I was stupid, and in love. And then he laughed at me, put me down all over twitter and lied and lied and lied. He made me look stupid. And I guess that was when it really hit me. We weren't anything to each other anymore. I've never been made to feel so low in my entire life and Im not sure i'll ever forgive him for making me feel that way after everything. It was so harsh and cruel and I had nothing left to hold myself together with. I fell apart. And everyone saw it and I was too tired to even try and hide it by that point. But you know, you find strength after time. And you stand back up and put on a brave face and pretend you're happy and eventually... you are.

But I was wrong before because no matter how much I loved Ally in that moment, I did fall in love again. It took time, a lot of time. But I think that was good and I needed that. I needed to find myself again, to be happy being alone. And I was. I started uni, alone and happy to be so. Not at all looking for anyone...

And then Connor came along. So unexpected. Connor came to visit Olivia, my flatmate, and I wasn't interested, really. Not at all. But he made me laugh. He cuddled me. But even then I didn't have any intention of it going anywhere. He had a girlfriend and I could never do that again but that ended and somewhere through time we ended up together; where we are now. Its strange. Im so happy. It makes me laugh reading that all I wanted in a relationship was to go to the cinema/dinner. Connor does all that. Connor cuddles me all night and makes me laugh and he's just.. Con. That's it. He's so open and so beautiful and so perfect he just cant see it. And if you're reading this Con, I just want you to know that in this moment I love you, more than life itself. I love you in a way I've never loved anybody. I love you, like I never thought I ever would. You know what I want before I even know it myself and Im so grateful for you. I wont say now that I think we'll be together forever, because Im still not sure that actually ever happens you know. But I think that right now, I love you and I know you love me and even if that doesnt last forever that what we have right now is worth it and thats all that matters. I'll appreciate you each and every moment and whatever happens, happens. But just know that you make me so so happy and I can only hope you feel the same.  

I'd be more than happy to wake up to you every hour of the night. Your arms around me. To spend lazy mornings naked in bed with you. To shower with you every morning. To laugh, to tickle. To look into your eyes everyday. They're beautiful, you know. You dont. You have no idea. But they are. When I first saw you I thought you had the saddest eyes I've ever seen. But they were a beautiful kind of sad. But that's faded a little, maybe its my imagination or maybe you just are happier. But i'll never get sick of looking into your eyes.