Leave me alone hormones!

The past few days ive been wanting to cry all the time. I dunno whats wrong with me! No idea what im upset about, just every little thing. I can be in the middle of a conversation and want to burst into tears. Today i was down at lunch, and the next class i sat crying with laughter. Hormones, god!

Uncertainty, insecurity & fear

Im so scared. I love Ally more than i've ever loved anyone and its terrifying to know how much he could hurt me. I need to know how he feels everyday or else i start to become paranoid, and thats my problem not his i know. Neither of us have done this before and i don't think either of us really know how to react to how we feel. I certainly don't. He's either a great liar or just afraid to show his feelings to anyone else. I know he loves me, when he looks in my eyes and tells me, i could trust him with my life. But when im not around, or when other people are? He's different. And i accept that, i accept all the little parts of him i dislike because honestly, i don't know how to deal with them. He has a real temper, i saw that last night. I mentioned to him about showing that he cares about me a bit more. He swore, and shouted and wouldn't calm down. And that scares me, how fast his mood changes, the anger. I back down, i see myself doing it and its not because i think i'm wrong. Its because i'm scared. Scared of not knowing his feelings. Scared of being with him. Scared of being without him.

I want the future, but do i want it now?

I wish i wasn't in limbo all the time. Tell me what you want! Is it even me anymore? You send me long texts saying you love me and how amazing i am and how sorry you are. But i want the everyday reminders. I want you to text me first. I want you to miss me like i miss you. Post random love hearts on my facebook. Just let me know you think of me. Because i think of you all day, everyday. There's something missing. I love you with all my heart, but im just not sure either of us are totally in this anymore. We hide things from each other, its an effort to try and talk to each other. Maybe this is what you were feeling before. I want to cuddle you in the winter, i want my birthday party with you, i want bonfire night with you, i want christmas. You dont make me laugh anymore.

In too deep or not deep enough?

It feels like I've bearly blinked from the minute me & ally first kissed till now. It's so fast, 6 months has went way too fast. I sometimes wish we could just stop, just right here, right now. Just give my feelings a chance to catch up. 6 months is nothing, but so much at the same time. I feel like I'm choking sometimes. And yet at the same time grasping for more. I always want more, he wants more too. But it's too rushed. I just want to breathe for a minute. My dad said I stay with him too much, I give too much and that I should pull back and just see if he follows. See how much he's really into me. But the truth is im scared to incase he doesn't come and I just lose him again. I'm leading myself into heartbreak, I know I am and in the long run this is going to kill me. But i just can't help myself, only 6 months and I'm already lost without him.

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Am i normal?

Its not that i want to get pregnant. I don't. Although i think a baby would be 'cute' and 'nice', i'm not stupid i know it wouldn't work. And i want to live first. Its that i'm scared. I've been having totally unprotected sex for the last 5 months ish, and i'm not pregnant. Is that normal? I mean, its stupid not using anything, i know that too. I've been to the doctors about going on the pill, decided i want the implant. But im not pregnant, and should i be? Im scared that maybe i can't have kids. We spoke about fertility in the drugs i've been given for Crohns but i always said if it affected my fertility at all there was no chance i was taking it. But maybe there is something wrong. I almost don't want the implant, just to make sure i can get pregnant. Stupid i know.

Youths not wasted on the young

I want to live life, its short. And im young, i just want to have all the fun i can before i get too old for it! I was supposed to have 6 people over last night, there was 14 of us. Josh puked on my carpet and spilt buckfast on it aswell (buckfast, classy i know!). Marc was crying because his grandad has cancer, Leah was crying cause Marc was crying, Connor was crying because it reminded him his gran has Ms, I was starting to cry because it reminded me of my grans cancer, so were Shannon and Ally, Andrew was crying and i dont even know why. And you know what, i burst out laughing. Just seeing everyone sitting there crying, yet their some of the happiest people i've ever known. Josh was crying because he mucked up my carpet. And when my mum got home she went mental! But i honestly could not care, its a few crumbs, its a carpet. Its not worth tears. Its really not. Me and Ally are totally fine (And im wayyyyy to touchy feely when im drunk) but i love him so much. And honestly? I could not be happier!

Act your age not your shoe size

Leah's going through a really hard time right now, her mum and dad have just split up. Although im not that close to her i've tried to be there as much as i can for her, because i know she's upset and she needs people to talk to right now. Her friends are so horrible, in particular Bria. They've all fell out and are blaming it on Leah. Its so immature they won't even take responsibility for their own actions, just grow up you have fell out, yous will get over it. Their supposed to be her friends and yet when she needs them most their not there for her. Cant they see that she really needs them right now? I'd put a stupid argument behind me to be their for my best friends through that. She has enough on her plate without them getting at her. I'm biased since i already hate Bria so its not surprising i'd disagree with whats she's doing. She really just needs to grow up. You can't blame your actions on someone else. You can't split up relationships for the fun of it. You cant bitch about your friends over the internet. Your only a year younger than me, act it.

He doesn't realize how much he hurts me

And when i thought i couldn't be happier, i'm in tears all over again. He makes digs at things i say for pointless reasons. I was out with all the girls last night, but then we went to kirkton to see Ben, Gary, Alfie etc. Then Ally was so off with me in his texts and i phoned him to try and talk it over and he just didn't want to talk, saying nothing was wrong. Then he was apologizing be so nice and saying it was just all jealousy and that he doesn't like me hanging about with other guys but that he was just being a dick. I phoned him to tell him it was ok and that he could trust me. He went mental 'Get intae whoever you want! I don't even care! Don't phone me!' Bringing up kissing my friends again and again. But that's my fault, i know i should never have done it but i really cant take it back and you know half the time he says he'll get over it. I know its not that easy, and i don't expect him to trust me straight away but im trying to show him he can trust me. I was in tears and he was just shouting he doesn't care. And then changing his mind, that he's the one being a wank and that he loves me. And i take all that, i let him win the argument, because loosing the arguments better than loosing him. He hurts me more than he even knows, i know he doesn't mean it. He gets angry and he has reason not to trust me. But its just that switch in his feelings so fast i don't even know where i am half the time. I don't think he near realizes how upset i am about all of this. But you know what, i'll take all the shit he gives me because i love him.

To be her would be my worst nightmare

Remind me never to be like my mum. Never. She constantly rants, and it exhausts me. Just chill out seriously? And her lift revolves around money. She lies and i'm sure she's actually convinced herself the lies are true half the time. I love her to pieces, but to turn into her would be my worst nightmare. She's wrong, my life doesn't revolve around myself; it just doesn't revolve around her either. When your young, its all about needing your mum's permission, needing her money, needing her help. I don't need that anymore. I need her because i love her. But physically, i don't need her. She's like a sister, you need her, but literally; you dont. I think she finds it hard to come to grips with the fact that im growing up.

Couldn't be happier

'Dont be with someone because its easy. Be with someone because you love them. Even if its difficult'

Pretty much sums up my full relationship. We talked about everything last night, and he's said he loves me, and its clear to everyone that i love him. I cried, we hugged, kissed. I couldn't be happier.

Missing all the 'fun'

I think its the longing to be single. Everyone's out having sex with who ever they want, having fun, making plans. Although i wouldn't want to just have sex with anyone, i do miss kissing people. Its the uncertainty of it. Your not sure how they'll react, their unfamiliar. I would never cheat on Ally, but we were talking today and i he's feeling pretty much the same. I'd be up for letting him kiss other people. I mean you can only have one thing or another, a relationship or 'fun'. But maybe that's the best of both? He said he won't kiss anyone else though, i love that about him. I know he wants to, but i know he wont. He's told me he doesn't like someone else either. We both just want the best of both worlds i guess.

I miss the laughter

Everyone says its all about the games. Playing hard to get etc. But what happens when you take it too far? When your whole relationships tangled in the games, caught up in the confusion of whats actually real. I've made him jealous, it works you know, makes him realise how much he wants you. But there comes a point where its not a game anymore, where the jealousy develops into hurt. I was stupid, really stupid. I used to always think relationship's weren't about the trust. How wrong i was. You should never break someone's trust like i did. I know it hurt him, it was cruel and vindictive and wrong. But im twisted at times, even i can see it. I like to see him jealous, i like to do what people tell me not to. I hate that side to me. Its ruined this. The best thing thats ever happened to me, and i've ruined it. Maybe he needs some space? To realise that he does want me. Or for me to realise i don't want him. But maybe thats just another game? I don't know how to fix this. Theres nothing to say anymore. We make awkward chat about nothing because i know he doesn't care. Its old, he knows everything about me, theres nothing knew to say. I know what he'll be doing and when. Its old. We know each other too well. Maybe we went to fast? You know, i'd like to slow it down. To take it back to the start. I was so nervous of everything. To laugh with him. To meet his mum for the first time. Everything. The laughing, thats what's missing you know. We used to make each other laugh so easily. We used to play fight, and laugh, and lead to kissing. And thats what i miss. Now i don't know what he wants me to do. Im scared to play fight with him incase he doesn't want me. Even to cuddle him incase he doesn't want me. But i miss him so much. I want to laugh with him, but a laugh cant be forced.

I love him more than anything in the world and he just doesnt love me back

I cant imagine life without him now. My halloween party, my birthday party, weekends. What am i gonna do? He doesn't feel the same and i don't know how to make him. I love him more than anything in the world and he just doesn't love me back. I almost begged him to stay with me. But i know in my heart it won't last, i just desperately want it to. I'll do anything i can to make it work. He said he'd give me a chance to prove he can trust me. But i don't think its all about the trust. Somethings just not the same when im with him. Maybe i know its because he doesn't want to be there. Im makes me feel so sick. I really dont wanna lose him.

My little secret

This whole blog is like my little secret. Its strange that no one knows i write this, not one single person. All my thoughs and dreams poured out over the internet, for anyone to read. But truely, no one that cares. I wonder how long i'll write this? Maybe in a years time it will all be a forgotten memory. Maybe i'll still be writing when i have a teenager myself? I might let someone read it one day. A loved one. Perhaps my daughter when she reaches the age i am now. That is if i have a daughter! Maybe i'll leave the URL in my will. So everyone can read it. They'll see how much i loved them, maybe learn from my thoughts. Maybe i'll never tell anyone, and this will all just be my little secret.

Six months a guessing game

Wow, 6 months today. Things aren't perfect, nothing is though. The moment when you lower your respect for yourself occurs in the exact second your love for someone multiplies by a million. The idiots you see being told exactly what to do by their partner, and you wonder why? So many people have been there. You'll say that would never be you, say you'd never let some treat you like that. But it is you. Or it will be. Its the desperation to hold on to someone. To change your full self for that person. The moment when you realise someones slipping away from you and you'll do anything to pull them back. You say your friends always come first, you'd never put a boy first. Thousands of girls have said it. I've said it. It all changes you know? Id put Ally before anyone. No one else in the world makes me feel the way he does. I just wish i'd realised this before. I tried to make him jealous, but why? If i loved him, why? Because it did make him jealous, it hurt him. Maybe i wanted to make him know he could lose me, i made him know that so much it made him want to walk away. I was wrong, so wrong. I'd do anything in the world to take back everything i've done to him. To make him love me as much as he did. Its a guessing game, love. Guessing the right things, and the wrong. Guessing people's feelings, thoughts. Guessing what they want, what they dont. I guess i made alot of mistakes.

We understood each other, if only for a moment

Ahhhhh. So much of this blog is about Ally this year, so here's another post about him! Last night i went to his, it was ok. It was a relief for me that we were actually ok. But when i went home he text me saying he just thought it was still weird. My moods change so fast its unreal. So i was really upset again, i phoned him but he just kept trying to hang up on me which only upset me more. It seems his moods change pretty fast aswell, as he posted on my facebook asking me to stay at his. My phone was broke so i couldn't even text back. But i left the house to meet him, only half an hour after i got home. Pitch black. No phone. Scared, upset, alone. But im glad i did, i stayed at his and we laughed and thing seem to be alot better now! Our relationship makes no sense, no one can keep up. But theres something there, we understand it. We lay for ages last night, not talking just looking into each others eyes. After all the arguement, all the upset, we were cuddled up with each other in bed.. and there's something there. We both understood each right in that moment.

Regret

I treated him like shit. I never even realised at all, but i did. It kissed all my friends, i text hearts to Andrew & Calum but yet going mental at him texting Bria. The time i said i didn't even know whether i liked him? Thats alot in 6 months. I regret it all. We nearly finished tonight. I love him so much it hurts. But we didn't. We're gonna just start over.

Note to self: (After Ally) Never let someone have this much control over your happiness

Paranoid

I feel like im going insane. Why did i ever let myself love him so much? I don't even know what went wrong. He 'couldn't be arsed' for me to go to his tonight, even though i was already in Bathgate. Then he was all happy and wanted me to go to his. We hardly spoke, we had sex, he fell asleep, we hardly spoke i went home 3 hours early. He's talking to Bria again. Maybe its nothing. He says they don't even talk, and i believe him, but everytime im with him they do talk. I don't know what to believe anymore. I hate her with a passion because i know how easily she could take all this away from me. I mean i should know, i did it to her. I didn't do it intentionally though, although i dare say if i had know she was out with Ally when i started talking to him, i wouldn't have cared anymore than i did anyway. I don't know what he's thinking. We didn't even kiss. We had sex, and we didn't even kiss. That's not love. Thats just pure and utter sex. And im not here for a sex, im not here to be second best.

Sex sex sex sex sex

I want him all the time, literally. I'm in class, and he's in his bed, in the shower. I'm horny 24/7. We have sex everytime i'm with him, we just cant help ourselfs. When i'm old and dried up, i hope i remember these times.

At some point i'll need someone else

Its not that i even want Ben or even Calum. I flirt with them, i text, i act like im interested. But im not. The only guy i want is Ally. I know doing all this hurts him, makes him angry and the guilt it gives me makes me feel physically sick. But yet i still do it. I'd never cheat on him, never even want to. Im not interested in the slightest in either of them. Perhaps its the hatred for Bria, the jealousy i still feel. I want him to feel that, well actually i don't, its horrible. But I want him to know that i could have someone just as easily as i could. Bria's his ex, Calum's mine. It works, the jealousy. He hates Calum. I don't want to do this, i don't want to hurt him, but i need to keep the reminder that at some point we will finish and i need someone else. He'll run off with Bria, or Laura and some other stupid bitch and i'll need to show him that i don't give a shit. And the way to do that? Ben? Calum?

I want to move out

How do you choose between your mum and dad? They both want me & Sarah to live with them, but how do we choose? Their fighting over us constantly, and it should be nice to know we're both wanted, but its horrible. To know that at some point, we're going to have to choose. To hurt one of them so much. I can't stop thinking about it, and they just don't seem to care. Well my mum certainly; my dad offered to meet up to talk about it all, but she wont even do that. Not even for me & Sarah. I love them so much, but sometimes i really feel the forget it affects us when they argue, our feeling are shoved to the side when it comes down to each other. So much hatred thrown around in my family, and im stuck in the middle of it all. I want to get away from it all. I need space. Id live by myself if i could.

I hate money

I never ever ever want my life to be about money. Everything with my mum & dad revolves around money now, the child support, the morgage ect. I mean they've been apart for more than a year now and yet the arguements still continue. It's not worth it at all. All that love destroyed over money. Money will never make you happier than love will. They both say how they were the love of each others life, how they still care about each other. Would you throw away the person you love for a few strips of paper?

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