Talking to no one

and yet again im sitting in the middle of the night in the pitch black in tears with no idea why. and im thinking who do i talk to? i actually cannot think of one single person to even tell that im upset. and no one knows. who? my mum? my mums too stressed herself, she doesnt need this. my dad couldnt care less. my friends? it just never seems the time. and if im honest they all have too much to deal with aswell. so then who.. a blog. just writing endlessly to no one. and probably no one will even read this. and no one will even care. so then why am i writing this? so i feel ive spoke to someone? so i can sleep? cause, this isnt gonna cheer me up and i dont know what is. i have a party tomorrow. normally that would cheer me up, but right now i have no desire to get drunk and fall about and make myself look like a bloody idiot, and probably make a few a bitchy comments to the people i care about most. but i will. because if i dont, i'll have to explain why. and thats harder than anything.

What do i feel?

I just feel so empty. I don't even know what I feel right now at all. I cant sleep, there's too much in my head but at the same time there's nothing there. I'm totally lost what to even write. I don't feel close to anyone at all in the world right now and I don't know why. I have close friends still, but I don't feel like I want to tell them as much. And now I'm sitting in bed in the dark crying and I don't have the slightest idea why. I want my old dad back. But that's never gonna happen, he's a totally different person now and everyone that was once close to him can see that. I told him I'm not going to his house anymore and it hurt him, I know it did. It hurt me aswell, but it was the only was I knew how to stop the arguements. I thought it was easier. Now we're hardly talking. So maybe it was easier? But this wasn't what I wanted. So maybe it wasn't easier? Or was this what I wanted? I don't even know anymore. I revised for chemistry today. Sometimes I really want to do well in school, because I want to go to university. I want to be a psychiatrist. But then some days I wonder if thats actually what i want. I have to choose my subjects in a few months and I have no idea what i want to choose? Ive told myself i'm choosing maths, english, chemistry, biology and one other subject which ive not decided on. But why am i choosing these? To get into uni? I hate maths & chemistry. English bores me so much. Ive never even tried biology. Its the christmas holidays right now and i'd rather be back in school. Theres too much time to think when your off. Did i mention i kissed Connor at Toms party? Well i kissed him again. I have no idea what i even think about him. People keep telling me I like him and maybe i do? But then again, maybe i don't? Rose liked Connor. I wasnt going to tell her i kissed him again, but i did. I wish i hadnt now, i feel like a bitch and it was one of the most awkward moments of my life after i told her. But i dont know if she likes him, she told me she didnt, so its not really bitchy is it? Rose is having a party for new year on friday and i'm really surprised my mum actually agreed to buying me vodka & strongbow. I keep crying and i dont know why. I wish i knew. I wish i wasnt so confused about everything right now. Why do i feel like i have no one to talk to when i have so many people? Why am i pouring my feelings out on this instead of to my friends?

At the end of the day, whos going to be there for me?

My dads tearing my family apart.
He told me he didnt want to see me or talk to me. My mum, me and my sister were all in tears. But im stronger than that. Well honestly, im falling apart inside, but this is another time when i need to hold myself together, and not show people that side of me. My dads now decided that he wants to talk to me again. And i was going to tell him no. Going to tell him that ive given him so many chances and everytime he fucks me about and i end up the one in tears, and everytime im the one somehow saying sorry? But i didnt. I try not to hold grudges. I try to forgive people. So i told him id meet him, and talk, but im never going to his house again, and i'll tell him that when i see him. I know fine well im not wanted there, he's made that perfectly clear, and i never wanna be back there again. I want this sorted for the start of next year but im telling you one thing for sure, this is his last chance. I told connor all of this and i have no idea why, i just dont even know who to talk to right now.
So tonight my mum and sister went shopping, and my mum comes back shouting that my dads a fucking bastard. And they both end up in tears, my mum never wants to hear about him again, shes had so many sleepless nights. But he's totally different with my sister, and she loves him, she wants to see him. So i end up the one holding my family together, the one acting like the parent. Standing in the kitchen hugging my mum whos in tears telling them both everything will be ok. Telling them what would happen and what they should do. But you know, at the end of the day, whos there to do that for me? Whos there to tell me what i should do? Whos there to tell me that everything will be ok? To dry my tears? To even realise that ive been on the verge of tears all day, and that ive just had enought practice in hiding that.

I just wanted to say it

Im never seeing my dad again. I dont really wanna talk about it. I just wanted to say it.

Im now on 2 more drugs aswell; omeprazole & pentasa

I apologise

So i did what i said i wouldnt. I said sorry to my dad. I said sorry for everything, well anything that i can think i would possibly have done to make him be like this with me. And you know what? He's not even mature enough to admit that he's done wrong too.

On the nights that im supposed to go to my dads ive been going to my grandmas and its great. Ive not stayed in years and i love it, and i love seeing her and my papa more too.

We're back to school, someone drew a giant dick on the astro turf. Oh the joys of being back.

At least it snowed

I never knew, i never knew that everything was falling through, that everyone i knew was waiting on a queue, to turn and run, when all i needed was the truth.

Calum likes me. I love Calum, he's my bestfriend. But i dont like Calum like that.
I told him, i did i nicely, i dont wanna hurt him. He says we're fine, but we're not. Somethings changed, maybe he didnt really see me as a friend like he said? Maybe im not his bestfriend like he told me? I really dont know. I know he cares. I told him about the tablets ive been on for the Crohns. I told him about the steroids, and he cried. So he cares, i know he cares. But maybe he only cares about me because he likes me as more than a friend. I need Calum right now. I miss him a hell of a lot.

I miss 'the 6'. The 6 are Gemma, Rose, Shannon, Emily, Amy & Me. I miss them so much, it feels like so long since ive seen them and it feels like everyones drifting apart. I dont know what to do. Rose liked Connor and i knew she did. I kissed Connor, but so did she. She told me it was fine, told me we were fine. Me and Amy have never been the same since she went out with Jamie. They finished, i finished it for Amy. Amy likes Jamies bestfriend Gary. Emily shouted at me the last time i saw her. We were drunk, and we went to a party. Because we went she had to go home and she blamed that on me. Gemmas not been out since the party, so i miss her alot. And Shannon? Shannons busy, Shannons always busy. I miss them all so much!

It was my dads birthday yesterday. I didnt go to his. I dont want to see him. Im not sure if i just need a break from him and all the arguements or if this is it forever? Im not gonna be the one who goes back to him, it doesnt seem like he really cares so why should i be the one who goes and see's him? Im just happy to know i have a break from it all.

At least its eventually snowed, and i love it! The advent calendars are open, and its eventually beginning to feel like Christmas.