Moving backwards into the future

2 down 2 to go.

I have to take 4 sitromag drinks. 1 last night, 1 this morning, 1 tonight, 1 tomorrow morning. Im getting another endoscopy & colonoscopy. It'll be weird to be back there again, in hospital having the same procedures, for the same reasons. Its what i was doing a year ago. It kind of makes me feel like i'm moving backwards; i know what to expect, but its still the same. I think its not just this. I mean, im drifting away from my friends just like i was this time last year. I like Connor, just like i liked Matt. But i don't do anything about it, and i'll end up losing what ever i think i have in him, just like i did with Matt. I've realised, i dont make an effort with people. And i really need to start.

Life's unbelievably embarrassing

Louise's party was on Friday and i had decided that i wasn't going to drink that much. That soon went down the drain and i was drunk before i even left my house. I don't remember much of it at all. The things i remember: giving Louise her card, kissing Connor, figuring out 8x8, burning my hand on a fag, falling and kyle helping me up. I was sick, and got taken home at half 10. I always embarrass myself so much:(! Rose phoned me the next morning to tell me that me & Connor were all over each other and that everyone kept talking about it, which is strange because i don't even remember getting intae him once, lol. So yeah, school should be fun tomorrow eh?

Excitement

I CANNOT WAIT FOR LOUISE'S PARTY TOMORROW.

Cabbage, Goat & Wolf

hahahaha. we have a new maths teacher and he has no clue. its hilarious, despite the fact if it was down to him id be undoubtedly failing maths. today he must have decided maths wasn't for him and promptly gave us a different kind of problem to solve.

'A man has a basket of cabbages, a goat and a wolf. He has to cross a bridge and take all of them across one at a time. But the wolf will eat the goat if they are alone. And the goat will eat the cabbages if the are alone. How does he take them all across?'

Go solve. I think this is about the best 'maths' question I've ever been asked.

What if we knew what the future would bring?

'What if we knew what the future would bring? Would we fix it? Could we?' - Cecelia Ahern.

There's always the question of whether people would want to know into their future; what would look like? would they be married? what jobs they would have? kids? I personally think it kind of ruins the surprise, don't you? I mean, if you lived your full life knowing exactly what would happen the next day, well sure you might be able to stop arguments and wouldn't make mistakes, but isn't it the mistakes that make us who we are? Nothing would be spontaneous; everything already pre-planned in your mind. And what if you didn't like what you saw? What if you never got married? Never fell in love? What if you were alone? Stuck in a job you hated? In some grotty flat? What if you found out you couldn't have kids? What if the people you loved died? Would you really want to see all that in the future? Knowing all the heartbreak that was ahead of you? I know i wouldn't.

Theres nothing wrong

theres nothing actually wrong with my life is there? ive got a great group of friends, and i lovely family. my dad text me earlier, so thats not bothering me. and me and connor, we're nothing. and even better, i have someone faking a scots accent on sex and the city to laugh at.

Sick of hiding my feelings

who the hell do i talk to?!!? emilys so wrapped up in who she likes. and i cant talk to rose. amy not good at having these kind of conversations. i just tried with gemma and she doesnt know what to say ive bearly started. and shannons not online.

i am so bloody confused. i miss my dad so much. i dont admit that to anyone. i dont admit much to anyone now adays. but i do. i miss him alot. i want to see him but i know he's not the person i miss. i miss the person he used to be, so so much! us laughing and joking about, and how he was so into his family and how he was so fat and happy and loving. but thats not him anymore. how do i get him back? i love my dad so much. but who he's turned into.

and connor. what the hell. the other night he was calling me beautiful and sexy and cute. and saying i needed to have more confidence and that we should meet up and stuff. but i didnt think it was him, so i was fine with that. but i was him. and now that confuses me even more, because we've hardly spoke since and i dont understand it? we say we'll talk more in school, or he'll come through, or we'll meet up, but we never do. and when we go back to school its gonna be all him & amy and theres gonna be no need for me. and then what? just forget about it? pretend like i dont care? im sick of pretending, of hiding all my feelings.

i really just want a hug.

Happy New Year

Rose's new years party was great! Everyone was drunk and 6 people were sick. But apart from that, it was good. And its new year, and a fresh start, so im happy:D!