You dont love me

Its like the carpet being pulled from under your feet. It makes you feel sick. Makes your jaw tremble. Brings tears to your eyes. It terrifies me. I think he's going to finish it, he doesn't want to be with me. I love him more than i can ever explain but i'm not forcing him to be with me. I've told him; if he doesnt want to do this, tell me now. Waiting for that text, i'm petrified right now.

What if

My periods a week late. Its never that regular though, a few days late or early usually. I don't even feel like im going to get it, so maybe its not late, it'll come soon. My belly hurts a lot, it'll be my crohns and maybe that's why im not getting my period. I don't even think this is true at all, and i guess im only writing this because Ally's asked me about it a lot the past few days; what if i'm pregnant. He's told me i'd have to get rid of it, in his eyes there's no option. 'Get Shannons mum to take you to kill it'. Kill it, harsh. I'm not pregnant, but it would be nice to know you'd be there either way.

I dread this day

Im so happy with Ally, i really am. And i hope we don't ever finish, i'd love to spend forever with him.
But that's unrealistic, i'm not stupid. Everyone leaves at some point. They die, or they move, or they no longer want or need you. It'll happen at some point with Ally. It scares me about everyone, but your family are more likely to stay. Maybe not because they want to, but your always tied together in some way. Ally only has to stay as long as he wants to, its like a string waiting to snap. One day that small tie that he has to me, will break. There will be no us. And maybe at the time that'll be for the best. But maybe one day we wont talk. I'll pass him in the street and we wont even look at each other. I'll know nothing about his football or his weekends. I'll no longer recognise his smell. Maybe one day i'll forget what he looks like. Maybe one day it'll be as if we never even met.

Insight

Allys mum & dad are arguing alot. His mum just posted on facebook 'Has to get away for a while so fed up' and 'Sometimes you just know when enough is enough!!'. Its not my place to give advice i guess, ive not been in that situation. But i've seen my mum and dad struggle through that, ive felt what it must feel like to be in Allys position. My bet is their staying together for Ally or Dean. I would tell her its the wrong choice, that he'll be happy when she is. But its not my place.
Its strange to look back on how i felt about my mum and dad's split back then.Yeah, It was horrible and for a while everyone was extremely upset. But you get through it, it does get better. Now i'd never wish for them to get back together ever. Im living with my dad now, he moved in here and my mum moved out. He can afford the mortgage better, has regular shifts at work and so can give us a more 'stable upbringing'.

Love is not something to be feared, yet something to be treasured

Nothing really matters you know. The only thing that matters in life is love. And falling in love is.. its unexplainable. You hear everyone speak of it, hear of it since you were too young to even begin to understand the concept. Its always been there, all around you, everyone falling in love, being in love, love. Your mum & dad were once in love, your cousins, sisters perhaps. But when you feel it for yourself, its new. You've heard it, seen it, but to feel it is something totally different. Theres no doubt in my mind that im in love with Ally. Every little part of him, everything he makes me feel. He amazes me everyday, he's unbelievable. He told me he was in love with me the other day. I cant begin to explain how great that felt. This cant possibly be real can it? I've never had something quite so beautiful in my life, theres flaws in everything. But right in this second, i wouldn't change a single thing about our relationship.

8 month contraception party

My party was on Thursday in Da Vinci's. It amazing, the place was beautiful and everyone had a great time. My shoes were Kurt Geiger and Gorgeous!

I could talk about Ally forever, you should know that by now. Instead of going to Jamie's party last night i had a night in with him. He cooked for me for the first time, all be it french toast. He ordered us a pizza. We were play fighting and cuddled watching telly, having sex and sharing dinner. He's gorgeous. He makes me laugh so much. My heart feels like it could burst! His eyelashes, his smile, his laugh, his weight on top of me even just for a cuddle, his arm around me when i sleep, his unexpected kisses. Oh my god, his smell. So glad i bought him that aftershave. Note to self: Ultraviolet, Paco Rabbane. Every part of him. I love him so much! 8 Months yesterday.

My dad mentioned contraception again, and i wanted to throw up. Even writing this i feel sick. Apparently i cant go on the pill because of my Crohns disease. I dont want it! I need to know i can have kids

.

He watches me when I sleep
His touch
How easily he can make me laugh

Smile

And he's said it already, it didn't take long. But those 3 words meant the world to me when he said them. He can put a smile on my face without even trying!
My parties tomorrow and im so excited! Nervous, but excited!

Im not saying it until you do

I just want to feel wanted. I know he loves me, but i need that reminder. When i tell him i love him, i need him to say it back for me to feel it. For me to say i love you and him to reply with 'Right whats your status about?', quite rejecting if im honest. Just tell me you love me if you do. Its not hard Ally.

.

Watching the fireworks with his arms round me
The colour of his eyes

If you knew you'd never see them again

Wow. My friends dad died today. That sounds so insensitive, but theres no nice way to put something as horrible as that. I cant even begin to imagine what he's feeling right now, i mean it upsets me to think about it and i didnt even know his dad. Its a horrible, horrible thing to lose someone; but someone that close, i think it touches everyone. Well it certainly does me. It terrifies me the prospect of losing someone i love, you dont really think about it on a daily basis. Dont really show people how much you love them; perhaps dont even realise it yourself until their gone. If you knew you'd never see someone again, what would you do? We should show people how much we love them everyday, not just when they're not around to see it anymore.

I'll never be her

'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'

'Jesus laura' 'What' 'I love you'
He's never said that to me, never been so taken aback by how much he loves me. I'll never be her, he'll never be over her. Will i ever be good enough? He compares me to her, and im not her. She left him & i dont think he's really over her. Her her her. Laura. It was Laura he asked for sex. He called her fat to me, laughed at her. To convince himself he was doing nothing wrong, perhaps.
I tell him i love him all the time, because i do. But its always me now adays, its always me saying it first. Last night i said night, and i didn't say love you. He thought i was in a mood with him; i just wanted him to say it first. He didnt, and i ended up saying it first still. Insecurity.
I thought i was having a quiet weekend in with Ally, thats what he wants when im out, he suggested it the last time i was out without him. But now, he's trying to convince me to go to smithys party, he wants to get Kieran. If he goes to the fireworks and out with all those slutty little girls, im not going. Its to make me jealous, it doesnt, it only makes me disapointed.

If i didnt know better

For the past couple of weeks i've been randomly throwing up. I don't feel sick all day and suddenly i just have to run to the toilet. If i didn't know better i'd think i was pregnant. But i can't be, i've had my period. But then what the hell is wrong with me?