All the wrong choices for all the right reasons

I was supposed to be home by 10 tonight, way earlier than normal! But I was at Ally's and his mum had said she would give me a lift at half 10. I'm really greatful for his mum, she's been really nice to me and helped me out a lot in trying to see Ally when my mum wasn't around to help out with lifts etc, so I'm not picky, I should be thankful for the lift in the first place, not be cheeky enough to ask for a different time. So I didn't. I told my mum I'd be home later, and she went mental. It's no surprise with her to be honest. Ally knows we've been argueing and offered to ask his mum to take me home earlier, but after the mood I could tell my mum was in, I'd rather not go home. And if I'm honest I suck up all the time I have with Ally. I'd rather be with him than anyone else, even if it is just an extra half hour. I now have no laptop or maths tutor. But I have ally, and that's better than anything.

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Everyones hurting so much

I remember how my mum used to be with me, i don't think i'll ever forget. I was so strong, so stubborn, but i was terrified of her. When Sarah yelled my name tonight, i heard that fear in her voice, and i heard the anger in my mums and i wasn't going to let anyone treat my little sister like that. I reminded myself of my dad. Sarah ran to my room when i opened my door, my mum chasing her, me blocking her path, protecting Sarah. When i was Sarah's age, i remember my dad doing the exact same thing for me. I ended up in a huge arguement with my mum tonight; one which i utterly regret already. I love my mum to bits, and i never would have meant to hurt her like this. Sarah told her we wanted to move in with dad, and i totally backed her up. I told her everything. That dad was trying to get the house, and we were going to live with him. That we think she's never in. She spends our child support money on nights out, and comes home at 4 in the morning. That i don't really see her as a parent. If im honest i have no idea about the money, they both lie i know they do.. or at least one of them is lying and i dont have the slightest idea who it is. I don't know who i want to live with, if i could i wouldn't live with either of them. I keep telling my mum it's not about the money, this whole thing with my mum and dad has made me hate money, everything's about money and no one cares about people anymore. I hate it. I don't want her money, i want her time. And i don't get that, not ever recently. But i still shouldn't have said it to her like that, arguements are never the right time to admit things, it all comes out wrong in anger. So, im sorry mum. And i can hear them both crying, just like me. And everyone in my house is hurting so much right now, and i don't know what the right thing is to do.

Winters coming

Winters coming. Its only august and i can feel it already. The realization when you step out the door one day in summer and its already winter. The way the cold stings your cheeks and everything smells different. Its dull all the time, i cant even see the sky for clouds. You start to buy cardigan and jumpers, and make sure your umbrellas in your bag every time you set foot out the house. It makes me sad that you cant see the sun, that your never too warm. But i like it, i like the smell of winter, the smell of rain. Its the few months of nothing. Its not reached the exciting lead up to christmas, yet its left the fun of summer. Winters coming, i feel it.

Tattoo!

So i got my tattoo! My mum said i wasnt allowed to get it, typical mum eh? But i got it anyway, its tiny so its not like it matters. Its cute, its a present from Ally. Surprisingly it didn't really hurt, the outline did but except that no, it didnt. My first ever tattoo!

I want to leave

Im not sure i want to stay on at school anymore. I've not told anyone this. Its so hard as it is, doing 5 highers, but the amount of homework is impossible. One of my teachers said to me today that in fifth year your not supposed to have a life. I just want to be with Ally all the time. I dont want to be sitting in school, understanding absolutely nothing to come home and work some more. I want to be with him. To sleep till lunch time with him. To see him as much as i did. I miss him all the time, its unreal. Theres literally not a minute i dont think about him, and i cant concentrate on all the school stuff. I mean whats actually the point? Money. Its all about going to uni, to get a job, to earn money. Its such a waste. Half the people going to uni arent even able to get jobs now adays, so why am i doing this? Just want to sleep!

Whos the parent?

People say you learn how to parent from your own parents; I totally disagree. Its just been making me think recently how little i see my mum, i never want to be like that with my kids. I remember arguements so cleary from when i was younger. I'll use the naughty step and deal with things properly. One of the first memories i have of my dad was him dragging me down the stairs, thats terrifying when your so young, trying desperately to stand on your feet and getting pulled so fast you dont get the chance. I remember the huge huge arguements with my mum. I never ever want my kids to be scared of me. I wish i could tell my mum things more. Im so excited for getting my tattoo on Saturday, and i cant even share that with her. She'll see it once i have it, but the excitements half the fun! At this age, some of my drunken stories and the funniest things i have to tell, and i cant share that with her without getting an rant about what im doing wrong. I tell her people will drink at my party, that i'll try drugs. She says i wont. She wont just let me talk. I want to tell her about Ally like she tells me about her boyfriends, to tell her how much i love him, for her to offer to take me to the doctors like my dad did. I want her to let Ally stay. She doesnt seem like a mum to me. She's out just now, always is now adays. I'll be asleep by the time she's home. Im growing up and i dont even think she realises it. I cant remember the last time she made me dinner, lunch, breakfast even. I get myself to work and back. I make sure my school stuffs done, that my sisters ok, that the food thats moulded gets put in the bin, that the cats are fed, the house is locked up for the night. And she'll come creaping in at what? 2 in the morning. These are the things shes supposed to be doing right?

Dont risk everything you have for nothing

I ruin everything! I went to Roses on Friday night for her birthday. Lauren, Jessica, Shannon, Emily, Amy, Gemma, Rose, Lisa, Rhona and I; A real girly night. We had a big punch bowl, and sourz and took tons of pictures. We had a right laugh but i ended up getting intae Gemma, Amy & Shannon. I swore to Ally i wouldn't because we had already had words about it earlier and he pointed out that it was basically cheating. But i did it anyway. I cried so much; I didn't want him to finish with me, but in the long run i didn't want to lie to him or hide things from him. So i told him. And he said how much it hurt him and that he didn't know if he could trust me and i totally understand that. He didn't finish with me, i stayed at his last night and we're fine, thank god. I don't know why i'd even risk throwing all that away? It's not like i even like any of the girls, we're just good friends. And even though i don't count that as cheating, he does and really i should be putting his feelings before my own.

Its 5 months today

Love. Aw Ally, i love him more than i could ever have imagined. I remember the day i first kissed him, everyone was in my house and out on the trampoline laughing. It was cold and Ally was shivering, i wasn't cold i was wrapped in his arms. But he was freezing and we sat just looking into each others eyes for a minute, and so i kissed him. And we walked back across the wet grass, sparkling in the dark, back into the house holding hands. Him and Kevin walked me and Shannon up to Shannon's house later, and kissed me goodnight. I remember lying on the bed laughing at everything that had happened that night and being so utterly happy, i mean the picture tells the story. But even at that moment i would never have imagined i would feel the way i do now. Its 5 Months today. I love you Ally! x

Dont ever forget this night

Im writing this now because theres a good chance i wont remember everything in the morning. I think this is definitely a day i'll remember for a long, long time. To be lying next to your boyfriend and he's crying literally because you have the tiniest arguement, not even an argument but theres just tension. And he cries. That couldn't possibly have made me happier at that moment. Maybe thats sick that i'm happy when he's crying? But it makes me so happy to know that he actually does care. For him to whisper in my ear that he loves me and just cuddle me. For us to look into each others eyes and it not to be awkward at all. And all the time i had been wanting to utter the words 'i love you' but held back incase it was the opposite of what he was thinking. But he was exactly what he was thinking, only he was brave enough to say it. And i lay there and wiped his tears and i don't think i could possibly love him more. And i'm actually crying right now, because i don't think even i can believe this. I'm not sure i want to. But i think i might actually be in love with Ally.

Life's about the little things

Im sick of writing about the bad things in life. Thats not what life's all about. Sometimes im so caught up in the petty arguements, im blind to the bigger picture. Life's not about the arguements, everyone makes mistakes. Forgive them, life's too short to throw away the people you care about most over a mistake. Life's about the little things. The warmth of hugs, the love in people's eyes, that feeling when you wake up and realise you have more time to sleep, the sun, adrenaline when you run or on a rollercoaster, the relief when you wake up from a nightmare, your boyfriends breathe on your neck, the laughter of your bestfriend, going for a drive in the middle of the night, racing down the motor way with your dad, late night phone calls, smells that remind you of people no longer here, memories.

One of the best weeks of my life

Sunday. We were all up the hills again. I may actually be getting better with my drink. I had a lot more than usual and surprisingly wasn't sick or crying. Amy and I were totally loved up, screaming 'I love you!' at the top of our voices to each other, hugging wherever we went. I met so many new people and their all so lovely. And Ally was there with his friends, i spent some time with him too. No arguements. Nothing. I went home at half 2, and mum wasn't even bothered. She strangely never is now adays. Such a great night.
So on Monday i went to Allys. I've always hated getting my period, i mean who doesn't, but im glad i did have it when i saw him. It wasn't all about sex, we just cuddled and chatted and laughed. It's been a while since we done that. We rolled about laughing and played with each others hair and just actually had fun like we used to. I realised how much i actually do love him. He randomly texts me telling me how much he loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me and its so nice to know that he feels the same.
Tuesday. Emily and Amy came over, just like old times. I've been friends with both of them about 4/5 years now and i love them to pieces. I've seen them grow up really, and they've done the same with me. I mean we've all seen each other go through so much in the last few years and i know without them i wouldn't be who i am today. So it was really nice to just spend some time watching a few scary films and having a good old munch with them!
Wednesday. Exam results! I was ecstatic, literally jumping for joy. I thought i would rather get it in the post than in a text, more traditional or whatever. But since i wouldn't be home till Friday, i was glad i did get the text. Computing - A, Art - 2, Chemistry - 2, English - 2, Graphics - 2, Home Economics - 5, Maths - 2, Modern Studies - 1. I never expected to get anything like that! So proud of my self!
Thursday brought Alton Towers. Dad. Angel. Me. Sarah. It poured down, but i was still so happy. I love rollercoasters. All the butterflies in your stomach, the adrenaline. I love it all, the smell of doughnuts, the screams. Its just great.
And today? Soon im going to drag myself out of my comfy little bed at dads and get ready to go and get a massage and my nails done, Dad's treat. Then home, ready and off to Ally's.
Happy Happy Happy