My baby

I think guilt rushes over you at the most unexpected of times. To look down at my belly and think that only last week my baby was in there. Not anymore, theres no taking it back. There's never ending 'what if's' and a huge different future, gone now. I wonder what it would have been like next Christmas, to be spending money on my baby's presents, cute tiny santa suits, and my own family. Tiny little hands and tiny little feet. A babies smell. My baby. Our baby. It probably was the right thing to do, but there's always what if's.

Abortion hurts

Abortion hurts like nothing i could ever imagine. It had me screaming out in pain, and that's saying something considering i already have a high pain threshold from Crohns. It had me in tears. I was crippled in bed, i felt like i couldn't move. I was throwing up, i had an upset stomach. It's horrible. I only wish now i would have known before, because even though all the adults tell you it's not worth it just to not use protection; you don't feel the impact until it smacks you in the face. I want to tell all the girls i know who are being stupid right now. I want to tell my sister, i want her to go on the pill. She's only 14, and that may seem young, but i know what goes on and i am not letting her go through what i did yesterday. I feel kind of empty, i feel alone. Although it hurt a lot, being pregnant, you were never alone.

We talk but we don't listen

We're finished, not literally, but in my mind we have. There's no trust, no love, no care. This isn't a relationship. A relationship is spending time with each other, sitting for hours and talking, cuddling up with each other, caring about one another more than anything in the world, just being there. He's there, in person, but his mind is elsewhere. We talk but we don't listen, not really. I listen, i care about things he says send him random texts about it to check if he's ok. I dont tell him anymore because i know he's not listening. A relationship isn't him sitting on his xbox whilst i watch him. He used to try for me, he used to want me so much but now he has me that's all stopped. He asked Bria to go to his football game on Sunday. He tries for her. I know she wouldn't have went, it's too far away. But why ask? He denied it, we had a big argument in which i told him he could deny it all he wants, i know he's lying. He told me to shut the fuck up. I want respect. No one has the right to talk to me like that, especially not someone i've given so much to. I want honesty. He admitted i was right later, its the lie that bothers me more than anything. Because, asking Bria that's one issue. But if you can lie that easily to someone you 'love' that's an issue which is never ending. How can i trust him if he lies? I told him if he wanted to be with me to start acting like it, to which he replied 'Hahaha yer full aee pish hen, cya later' If that was his attempt at finishing with me, he's pathetic. I thought i meant more than that to him. That our relationship would finish sivally, as friends even. That's just calous and cruel and if i ever meant anything to him he would never have dared to finish it like that. I've started talking to Ben, not because i want to be with Ben but because he cares. He gives me someone to talk to about anything. I trust Ben. He almost reminds me of how Ally used to be. He tries. I miss that.

Im like a fountain

I cannot stop peeing! I've literally pee'd about 10 times in the last hour! Its unreal! I've decided I'm definitely getting an abortion. I'm doing this for Ally, but I'm doing it for us. I wouldn't want to be pushed into becoming a parent if I didn't want to, it changes your full life and its a step a couple should take together not either one of them being pushed. He had the respect to say he'd be there for me, and I should have the respect to take his feelings into account as well. I can see us having kids one day, I can, but there'll come a time where it will seem like the perfect addition to our relationship, and I don't think now's that time.

Jessica said yesterday she doesn't mind if she gets pregnant, she'd 'just get an abortion' she said it like it was so simple, smiling even. I didn't know whether I wanted to hit her or give her a cuddle. She's making the same stupid mistake I did, and she has no idea what's to come. Because it will come, she'll think it wont, it will though. I didn't say anything, I just sat in silence.

Tiny little bean

Everyone's right when they say its nothing. Technically it is just cells. But technically it will also have fingers and toes by the time i go to the hospital next Friday. It doesn't feel like nothing though. I may be just the size of a bean, but that beans keeping me up in the middle of the night, its making me puke in the shower, making my boobs hurt and stomach cramp, making me sit in tears for the last half an hour. It may be just a tiny little bean, but it can change a hell of a lot.

'Fuck off ya wee fucking idiot' Some nice comforting from Ally there

Her life's in my hands

I have no one to talk to about this. I really truly don't. My mum will convince me to abort it, Shannon's there for me but she doesn't understand, how can she? I need Ally to be there for me right now and he is, but he refuses to talk about it. This is the hardest decision i've ever had to make in my entire life. There's no one to talk to, and there's no time, and its all my decision. No one else will make this decision for me. I have 5 days to decide on the fate of my baby's life. I have no idea what to do.

Influences

Its strange how our past and everyone in it affects who you are in your every action, the person you are today so greatly. It's not that i don't like Allys dad, he's done nothing wrong to me, its just his way: the words he uses, the way he describes Ally's mum, his anger. I see a lot of that in Ally and i don't like it one bit. When he's with his mum, he's.. i don't know how to explain it, he's talks the way every girl wishes her boyfriend would? He tells me how much he cares, how he'd never leave me, how much he wants me to move in. My dad doesn't want me to move in with Ally, he says he's too jealous. He is, im also too jealous. Too suspicious perhaps. But im suspicious because i've seen exactly what im scared of destroy my entire family. I see the woman my dad dates, their relationship beginnings and endings always suspiciously over lapping. I see their naivety. I may be 16, i may have no idea about the world or even relationships, and i don't claim to but i've been shown example after example of why not to trust a guy. I've seen how easily its done, these woman are none the wiser. The man they care about pulls the wool over their eyes and jumps into another woman's bed, he comes back, he takes you to the cinema and you think he loves you. How would you know he was cheating on you? You wouldn't. So maybe that's where my suspicion stems from, where my jealousy stems from. Nothing ever does last in the end. You can be with someone till the day you die, that doesn't mean it lasted. Nothings perfect. It's not the babys fault, its my fault, its Allys fault. Maybe i am too young to have a baby. It would be hard, i know it would. But its always going to be hard whether your 16 or 26. Maybe Ally doesn't want this baby because of all the things his mum's telling him. Maybe im unsure, because deep down, i know i could do this. And why should you kill a baby because your scared? Have you never been scared of something before and still had to do it. I bet it worked out alright didn't it? You were scared on your first day of school, does that mean you shouldn't go? Your scared to propose to someone, does that mean you never should? Because letting fear control you gets you no where. Maybe i am this strong because of everything i've been through. Life's hard, but this baby deserves to see it.

Get rid

I told my mum last night, she wasn't angry or upset. She was there for me, in the best possible way and i'll always be grateful for everything both her & Allys mum are doing for me right now. I wanted to talk to her about how much doubt im having right now about having an abortion but the first thing she asked was 'i take it you are getting rid of it?'. Maybe it was her wording, maybe my hesitance to disappoint her, either way i told her i was sure i was. I hate that 'getting rid', i've said it myself, but its horrible its not something you can 'get rid' of, its a baby, my baby. I keep crying everytime i think of it, im really not sure. Im doing this for Ally. Im going to hospital a week on Friday.

There's always beauty in the fear

The first snow came the night i found out i was having a baby

Did you know by 4 weeks, our baby has hair, a spinal cord, all the foundations for feelings and senses. At 6 weeks, our baby's heart is beating 150 beats a minute. Next week, our baby would have fingers and toes and be the size of a grape.

Im pregnant

I'm pregnant. This is one of the biggest decisions of my life. Everyone was drinking in mine on Friday and me and Ally argued, we got angry at each other because we were both terrified. Terrified for this moment, for what i guess i've known for days to actually be true. His mum was so happy when we got home on Friday, she was drunk and talking about us getting married about having kids. Ally blurted it out, that i might be pregnant. I was so shocked. But i'll always admire how brave he was in doing that. He had told Connor, Kieran & Robbie that i might be, I had told Leah & Shannon. Because we needed someone to talk to when we didn't know how to react to each other. Connor gave me a hug, and we both cried. Everyone told me that Ally would never leave me even if i was, that they all know he loves me so much. Ally told his mum he thinks we'll be together for a while, gave me drawers in his room. He seems serious about me, sure that he loves me. So i did a test on Saturday, i went in the shower, i couldnt face sitting there waiting for it to prove positive or negative. Those two lines brought tears to my eyes. Going up to Allys room and having to tell him. To see his stomach drop like mine did, to see the fear in his eyes. We sat in silence for a while. There was nothing in the world that could be said to fix the situation we're in right now. Ally told me he loved me, that he'd stick by me whatever i decided. I'm terrified, but im so unbelievably proud of the way Ally reacted, i'll never ever forget this. It will be fine, i should get rid of it, and i will. But im not sure i want to. Shannon might not be able to have kids, Allys brother cant, my mum lost a baby. People want so much to have what we have right now, and we're throwing it away like its nothing.