Talking to no one

and yet again im sitting in the middle of the night in the pitch black in tears with no idea why. and im thinking who do i talk to? i actually cannot think of one single person to even tell that im upset. and no one knows. who? my mum? my mums too stressed herself, she doesnt need this. my dad couldnt care less. my friends? it just never seems the time. and if im honest they all have too much to deal with aswell. so then who.. a blog. just writing endlessly to no one. and probably no one will even read this. and no one will even care. so then why am i writing this? so i feel ive spoke to someone? so i can sleep? cause, this isnt gonna cheer me up and i dont know what is. i have a party tomorrow. normally that would cheer me up, but right now i have no desire to get drunk and fall about and make myself look like a bloody idiot, and probably make a few a bitchy comments to the people i care about most. but i will. because if i dont, i'll have to explain why. and thats harder than anything.

What do i feel?

I just feel so empty. I don't even know what I feel right now at all. I cant sleep, there's too much in my head but at the same time there's nothing there. I'm totally lost what to even write. I don't feel close to anyone at all in the world right now and I don't know why. I have close friends still, but I don't feel like I want to tell them as much. And now I'm sitting in bed in the dark crying and I don't have the slightest idea why. I want my old dad back. But that's never gonna happen, he's a totally different person now and everyone that was once close to him can see that. I told him I'm not going to his house anymore and it hurt him, I know it did. It hurt me aswell, but it was the only was I knew how to stop the arguements. I thought it was easier. Now we're hardly talking. So maybe it was easier? But this wasn't what I wanted. So maybe it wasn't easier? Or was this what I wanted? I don't even know anymore. I revised for chemistry today. Sometimes I really want to do well in school, because I want to go to university. I want to be a psychiatrist. But then some days I wonder if thats actually what i want. I have to choose my subjects in a few months and I have no idea what i want to choose? Ive told myself i'm choosing maths, english, chemistry, biology and one other subject which ive not decided on. But why am i choosing these? To get into uni? I hate maths & chemistry. English bores me so much. Ive never even tried biology. Its the christmas holidays right now and i'd rather be back in school. Theres too much time to think when your off. Did i mention i kissed Connor at Toms party? Well i kissed him again. I have no idea what i even think about him. People keep telling me I like him and maybe i do? But then again, maybe i don't? Rose liked Connor. I wasnt going to tell her i kissed him again, but i did. I wish i hadnt now, i feel like a bitch and it was one of the most awkward moments of my life after i told her. But i dont know if she likes him, she told me she didnt, so its not really bitchy is it? Rose is having a party for new year on friday and i'm really surprised my mum actually agreed to buying me vodka & strongbow. I keep crying and i dont know why. I wish i knew. I wish i wasnt so confused about everything right now. Why do i feel like i have no one to talk to when i have so many people? Why am i pouring my feelings out on this instead of to my friends?

At the end of the day, whos going to be there for me?

My dads tearing my family apart.
He told me he didnt want to see me or talk to me. My mum, me and my sister were all in tears. But im stronger than that. Well honestly, im falling apart inside, but this is another time when i need to hold myself together, and not show people that side of me. My dads now decided that he wants to talk to me again. And i was going to tell him no. Going to tell him that ive given him so many chances and everytime he fucks me about and i end up the one in tears, and everytime im the one somehow saying sorry? But i didnt. I try not to hold grudges. I try to forgive people. So i told him id meet him, and talk, but im never going to his house again, and i'll tell him that when i see him. I know fine well im not wanted there, he's made that perfectly clear, and i never wanna be back there again. I want this sorted for the start of next year but im telling you one thing for sure, this is his last chance. I told connor all of this and i have no idea why, i just dont even know who to talk to right now.
So tonight my mum and sister went shopping, and my mum comes back shouting that my dads a fucking bastard. And they both end up in tears, my mum never wants to hear about him again, shes had so many sleepless nights. But he's totally different with my sister, and she loves him, she wants to see him. So i end up the one holding my family together, the one acting like the parent. Standing in the kitchen hugging my mum whos in tears telling them both everything will be ok. Telling them what would happen and what they should do. But you know, at the end of the day, whos there to do that for me? Whos there to tell me what i should do? Whos there to tell me that everything will be ok? To dry my tears? To even realise that ive been on the verge of tears all day, and that ive just had enought practice in hiding that.

I just wanted to say it

Im never seeing my dad again. I dont really wanna talk about it. I just wanted to say it.

Im now on 2 more drugs aswell; omeprazole & pentasa

I apologise

So i did what i said i wouldnt. I said sorry to my dad. I said sorry for everything, well anything that i can think i would possibly have done to make him be like this with me. And you know what? He's not even mature enough to admit that he's done wrong too.

On the nights that im supposed to go to my dads ive been going to my grandmas and its great. Ive not stayed in years and i love it, and i love seeing her and my papa more too.

We're back to school, someone drew a giant dick on the astro turf. Oh the joys of being back.

At least it snowed

I never knew, i never knew that everything was falling through, that everyone i knew was waiting on a queue, to turn and run, when all i needed was the truth.

Calum likes me. I love Calum, he's my bestfriend. But i dont like Calum like that.
I told him, i did i nicely, i dont wanna hurt him. He says we're fine, but we're not. Somethings changed, maybe he didnt really see me as a friend like he said? Maybe im not his bestfriend like he told me? I really dont know. I know he cares. I told him about the tablets ive been on for the Crohns. I told him about the steroids, and he cried. So he cares, i know he cares. But maybe he only cares about me because he likes me as more than a friend. I need Calum right now. I miss him a hell of a lot.

I miss 'the 6'. The 6 are Gemma, Rose, Shannon, Emily, Amy & Me. I miss them so much, it feels like so long since ive seen them and it feels like everyones drifting apart. I dont know what to do. Rose liked Connor and i knew she did. I kissed Connor, but so did she. She told me it was fine, told me we were fine. Me and Amy have never been the same since she went out with Jamie. They finished, i finished it for Amy. Amy likes Jamies bestfriend Gary. Emily shouted at me the last time i saw her. We were drunk, and we went to a party. Because we went she had to go home and she blamed that on me. Gemmas not been out since the party, so i miss her alot. And Shannon? Shannons busy, Shannons always busy. I miss them all so much!

It was my dads birthday yesterday. I didnt go to his. I dont want to see him. Im not sure if i just need a break from him and all the arguements or if this is it forever? Im not gonna be the one who goes back to him, it doesnt seem like he really cares so why should i be the one who goes and see's him? Im just happy to know i have a break from it all.

At least its eventually snowed, and i love it! The advent calendars are open, and its eventually beginning to feel like Christmas.

What do i do?

"I dont care if you never come here again, it would be less stress for me not to have to deal with you anyway", thanks for that dad. So i sat in my room at my dads for 7 hours today with nothing to do. I know im not wanted, and he's just made that perfectly clear. What do i do? Some one tell me, because i have no idea. I cant do this anymore. All the arguements and making up; i cant do it. I would never blame this on someone, but im just saying, since all the arguements, im getting unwell, i was sick last night.. ive lost half a stone in the past 5 days.. I dont want to go to his anymore, but thats wrong, isnt it? he's my dad, i should want to see him?

But, 2 parties in one weekend isnt bad. How do you manage to pull a radiator off a wall? Cause i surely dont remember it!

Porogative

Its your porogative!
I dont even know what porogative means. Thats how much he doesnt listen.
My dad, he never listens. Arguement after arguement, i hate it.
I want to keep a relationship with him, but its so hard. I cant deal with this anymore, but i need to? he's my dad. I dont wanna be one of those girls who never see their dad.

There are 990 tiles on the ceiling of my exam hall and im having a relapse

God, i havent wrote in this for a while, it feels so good to have somewhere to let all this out.

Ive just done most of my prelims. I dont know whats happened, i used to be so smart. I used to get 1's and 2's.. now im barely scraping a 4. Everyones so disappointed. But i dont need to be told this. I know. I need to improve, i want to improve.
I want to be a psyciatrist. I want to go to university. I want to be happy.
But im not.

I finished with someone 2 weeks ago. One of my best friends is seeing him.
'Id never do that to you'
Bullshit.
I act like im angry, and i guess i am, or.. i was. Im upset. Upset that she would do that to me. Upset that she doesnt care. Upset that she makes this my decision. If i want her to stay away from him, ive to tell her. How can you stop your bestfriend from being happy? But yet.. she's doing that to me.

And then theres Calum. I dont usually mention names in this, but theres a first for everything.
Do i like Calum? I dont even know anymore. He can make me smile on my worst days, and right now i'm glad i have him in my life.

Im having a relapse. My dad doesnt care. He wants his 'family' weekends away. But its not my family. Stephs not my family, shes his girlfriend. Her sister, her mum, her dad, her brother in law, her niece, her stepdad.. Are they my family? No. I want to get better. I want to go to my hospital appointments. I want to change my drugs. They're not working and i know it. I can feel it. Its the being sick etc. But its my eyes. Its my eyes that give it away. The tiredness. Everything was blurry the other day. Thats what it was like before and to be honest i just want to see my doctors.
I have crohns disease.
It scares me to write this on here, because i dont know who will read this.
But i need to say it.

*I dont know what to say.

Ok, so its not that i have nothing to say. I have too much to say, so much i dont even know where to begin. I hate my dad for what he's done to my mum, he crushes her confidence every moment shes alone and its killing her. It killing me to see her like that. My sister strangled me in my sleep. Shes strange. Shes not the person i thought i knew. But then no-one is now a-days. I have no idea what goes on in her mind and if im honest i dont want to know. I keep out her way. But shes upset and she puts that on my mum. My mum has too much to deal with. We're declaring ourselves as homeless. We're not homeless. We have a home. But we wont soon. Well my dad says as long as theres a roof above his head we'll always have a home. I would never leave my mum, thats what he wants and i can see right through him. His new girlfriend favours my sister and its so clear to me that im not wanted. But i have to go, my mum needs the time by herself. Maybe i am wanted. I have no idea. I dont feel it. But i love him, he's my dad. He's taking my mum to court, going back on the agreement.
I lost my bestfriend. A new girl came and as she said she was the only one who made an effort with her. Thats not true. We made an effort. We did. She didnt want to know. She wanted a bestfriend and she didnt care who it was. She tried to split another 2 of my friends up and when that didnt work. She wanted my bestfriend. And you know what? She got her. I fought for my bestfriend, I fought and i fought. But it came to a point when i realised, i was fighting for something i didnt even want anymore. She wasnt the person i knew. So i stopped fighting, and im happier without her. Shes still around. She realised she needs me, but i dont need her anymore. She tags along but shes not wanted. She was cruel. Horrible because she thought she had a new friend. She didnt realise she pushed everyone else away.
My papa has skin cancer. He's had it before. Had it removed over and over again. But its back. He's old and he's sick of fighting aswell. He's not getting it removed. It breaks my heart to know that it wont go away. Or it probably wont. And one day he'll be another person i'll lose.
My grandma had breast cancer. I found out 2 days ago. Im so close to her. I dont want to lose her aswell. Im not good at dealing with these things so i hide my feelings. I pretend it doesnt hurt me. I believe it myself. But i builds up. And i break down. I just someone to be there. Someone i know i'll never lose. But thats impossible. I lose everyone. I guess the only person you can rely on is yourself.

Nothing to say.

I havent wrote on this for a while.
Summers past.
It was ok. We all expected more from summer 2010 I'd say.
Lost my bestfriend.
Did i tell you my mum and dad slit up?
My gran & papa have cancer.
I could be worse off.

Repulsive Me.

Eww. Disgusting. Me.
Do you ever just look in the mirror and feel sick? I do. Recently my bodies made me feel sick even just to think about it. Maybe its because i put back on all the weight i lost so quickly i didnt have time to kind of re-adjust, get used to it again. But then again i wasnt happy with my size before i lost weight. More importantly, im making myself ill, The amount of food im eating! My bodies rejecting it and i know it fine well, but it doesnt stop the steroids giving me the munchies does it? but if im being honest its not majorly down to the steroids but more the fact that im greedy. My stomachs getting the intense pains again and swelling to the size of a bloody football! But per usual i go on munching my way through anything i can find. So heres the plan; dont eat. It easier to say no to everything than to try and bargain with myself as to what i can and cant have and eventually make up some pathetic reason as to why some bar of chocolate is good for me. So tomorrow will be my first day. This time tomorrow, i will have eaten no more than i have now:)! I'll write tomorrow about how it goes!

How Time Flys.

And sooner than i could have imagined, the holidays are nearly up. Two long weeks, gone in a flash, and even sadder than that, i'll be spending my last day revising. I cant say this holiday was the most exciting ever, consisting only of a couple of drinking sessions, days out and way too many dvd days.. but still it feels good to be out of hospital and back on track.
Back on track and healthily putting on weight as the doctors wanted.. a bit too healthily in my opinion. So im aiming to lose some of this weight again.
Im also aiming to have another full week back at school, and pass my maths exam:).

The Lovely Bones.

Today was totally and utterly dull. The Weather, The Conversation, Everything. What a way to spend the holidays. But i finally got around to watching The Lovely Bones, and it was great as i expected, and surely cheered my day up!

Fights.

Why do people feel the need to fight over everything? The slightest little thing, and someones getting battered, whats the need?
My friends got threatened to get battered today. Maybe thats why im thinking about this right now, but really, near enough every week theres a fight at school. I can understand people being angry about things but i honestly dont understand that people can be so stupid at times they cant even attempt to see it from the other persons point of view?

The First.

My first ever blog. My first ever writing in it.

Perhaps i dont even know where to start.
Im 14, and yesterday i realised i was in remision. Im better, for now anyway. For the past 2/3 months ive been in and out of hospital numerous times, it almost starts to seem normal. Not going to school, not going out. Its exhausting, one medication after the other, none working. I dont want to say whats wrong yet, ive not told many people, not sure why really, its just easier i guess. Its not that bad. I'll have it forever, have a relapse about once a year the doctor says. But i'll live, i'll live a practically normal life. But the point is, im in remision, the medications working and i find it amusing the fact that i only just realised this. The fact i can go out again, the fact that right now, im living a normal life again, and it really trully feels great.