I wish i knew what you were thinking

I spent another day with Ally, we went shopping with his mum then went back to his. Somethings changed and i don't know how to fix it. The comments he makes are horrible and he doesn't seem the slightest bit concerned he might be hurting me. Maybe he doesn't realise that saying my sunburns disgusting, pointing out my 'bingo wings', telling me my hairs a mess and saying he doesn't like my new earings would bother me, not including the smart comment about Bria poking me on facebook. Its everything in the way he sits, the way he doesn't put his arm round me anymore, barely holds my hand. And when he does touch me, its all sexual. And thats not what love is. But i let him, i risk that chance of me being pregnant (because just to make things worse, we've not used any form of contraception) just to feel his touch, to convince myself for a minute that there's nothing wrong.
But then he kisses my cheek. And that shows he cares right? And when we do, occasionally, hold hands i can feel the pulse, and i cant even tell whether its mine or his im so used to him. And surely theres still love there?
I don't think he feels that though. That pulse; the things girls notice, guys don't notice that right? Maybe he just feels he has to be there. Maybe im over reacting. Maybe he thinks nothing of it. Maybe everythings fine. I have no idea anymore. What the hell is wrong with me?

Safe to say jealousy flips

So i had a nice day with Ally on Wednesday and we made everything up and had a good laugh. Then yesterday i had spent a lovely day in Edinburgh with my mum and came home and checked facebook to find tons of status's and messages from Bria, Allys ex. 'Bria<3' 'I love bria<3' Yady yady ya. Alot more than that. I don't know if i was more upset or angry. I've not cried that hard in ages, and now it seems kind of stupid but he did the exact same thing with me before he finished with Bria the last time and i couldn't help but wonder if that's what he was doing now? I spoke to him about it, he said they were nothing just pals. The same thing i said about Andrew. I spoke to her aswell told her that better be all they are! If i had seen her yesterday i would have punched her the minute i saw her, i couldn't have hated her more if i tried. But she laughed, she said i should be able to trust Ally, she said he'd never do anything to me. And now i feel stupid, as if i over reacted. Andrew understood where i was coming from, he always does. No ones ever given me better advice than he has these past few weeks and i really don't know what i'd do without him now.
But me and Ally have made up and i'm seeing him again today. This is beginning to feel like im round about with Ally. Going over the same things every day, every couple of days now. Love, Argue, Cry, Love, Argue, Cry..

Advice from a stranger

Last night people went camping up the hills again. We met this guy, Ryan Gray, who was pretty drunk but pulled me and Ally over to the side and gave us this big chat. He had just finished with his girlfriend he had been out with for a year, and was telling us how much we would end up loving each other. But strangely, his piece of advice to us? Dont get into a serious relationship at this age.
I thought Ally had gotten over the whole Andrew thing, but obviously thats just how he acted to me since he brought it up again last night. He was really drunk, and i was sober. We had words about it, but i thought we were fine. I went up the hills with the girls though and i wanted to spend some time with them since now adays it feels like i hardly see them, and i'm taking them for granted way to much and i know. I was trying to spend sometime with them, show them i do still care. But ally kept pulling me away telling me he was jealous. I explained to him that i just wanted to see them for a bit since i had came up the hills with them. But still he kept pulling me back, and it ended up quite awkward.
Everyone decided to go for a walk after the police turned up and i decided to walk on front with Amy, to avoid how awkward it was and aswell just to have a good chat. But then i heard Ally saying "I cant go, cause some people dont want me there" quite clearly talking about me. I stopped to see what he had to say, and realised him and Rose were both sitting talking about why they thought we had fell out. Ally just suddenly got angry and started shouting and swearing at me. I know he was drunk, and i dont think he would get like that with me sober but i wasn't about to just stand there and take someone shouting at me like that. So i shouted back. It doesn't help i know, but he was angry about whatever Rose had just said to him and he had no right to take that out on me.
But yet again, we made up.
Now this morning its just so awkward. Starting to wonder if Ryan's advice was right.

Jealousy

So we made up from the last time i wrote in this. Last weekend we were all at Allys again, and Andrew text me something that we had been joking about before, it wasnt something everyone would understand, so he text me it instead of just saying it. He said 'babe' at the end, but to me that doesnt mean anything really, me and Andrew are just like that. But Ally read it and started going on a big rant about why he had said it. When Ally was outside later i went to talk to Andrew about what Ally had said. Partly to warn him incase Ally mentioned it to him, partly because Andrews the person i can trust most about relationship stuff. I didn't realise it then, but Ally must have seen us talking and later started asking what we were talking about. I told him we were just friends, and it didn't mean anything, but he just said it didnt seem like that.
We made up. Like usual.

I guess alcohal does bring out your true feelings

I regret this night so much. I doubt me and Ally will ever go back to being the same now, and that makes me contemplate even more whether i shoud stay with him. We were all at his drinking and just generally mucking about. I cant even be sure of what happened but i ended up in the toilets crying. I know, I know i wouldnt be the first time. But i ended up spilling all my feelings about Ally to Leah who seemed pretty shocked to say the least. Somewhere in this jumble of my mixed up feelings, i had sex with Ally. Well at least i think i did. Honestly, i cant remember it but from the way he was talking id think we did. Maybe it was somewhere around then that i clicked back into thinking i didn't like him. My mind felt like a light switch, never quite sure whether my feelings for Ally were on or off. And so i returned back down stairs, and told Jamie & Andrew that i wasn't sure about liking him. I thought i could trust them, i mean Jamie's told me stuff before about Rose. Im not even sure i said bye to Ally, but i didn't stay like i was supposed to. I phoned my dad and went home, barely able to get into the car.
Later Andrew phoned me and we had a long chat, since he told me he actually had alot of the same problems with his girlfriend, Rebecca. He was still with Ally, but he just didn't know Andrew was on the phone to me. I told Andrew so much, and it strange that now i actually dont know what i would do without him to talk to. But whilst i was on the phone to him, they all ended up meeting up with Lauren & Rose. Both of which Ally has kissed before, so yeah, you could say i didnt trust him around them. And Ally actually said 'If becca had finished with me tonight, i could of just went with Lauren'. I didn't doubt at all that he said that, it's him written all over. But i guess it still shocked me, it still hurt because i suppose somewhere inside i sort of hoped he wouldnt cheat on me. I mean, he didnt. But he wanted to all the same.