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The way he looks when he comes out with shower.
Play fighting.

Just being there

I've just got home from the cinema. Its Ally's birthday today. I stayed at his last night and we just chilled in the house, just us two. Then i got ready at his this morning and went to the cinema and i'm just home. I feel really alone. Its strange you know, to come home to my own house and realize just how much more comfortable i am in his house. I mean i'm staying there again tomorrow, i'm only staying here because i have work tomorrow. I felt like we were kind of off today, kind of like he more wanted to be with his friends than me but even just having him there reassures me. I don't know why, but i stop myself from touching him. If i want to hold his hand, i don't. If i want to cuddle him, i don't. That must feel horrible to him, i know it must look like i just don't want to, but i do more than anything. One of the best feelings in the world is him putting his arm round me in the middle of the night, pulling me close. Then i know i'm not alone.

The end of an era

My mum got her divorce letter through today. Its official; my parents are divorced. They had been together since they were 15 and to me that sounds like forever. I can't imagine what my mum's feeling right now so i gave her a hug and tried to be their for her. She cried but if i'm honest i don't understand why. She knew it was coming. Her & my dad have started talking again so i don't see whats so upsetting about it. I think perhaps when i'm older i'll understand what she was feeling today.

I'm a bitch

I such a horrible person. I should never have read roses mail, thats her private conversations and I had no right. I bitch about the people I love so much, because there's parts of all of them I dislike but its all those annoyances that make you love someone and i shouldn't hate them. I don't want to lose my friends, I love them so much! But I'm the one in the wrong here and I'm not quite sure how to fix it.

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Situations your parents warn you about

You know when your parents warn you of all the scary things out there in the world and you laugh because 'it'll never happen to you', well your wrong. I proved that to myself today. I was on the bus to go shopping with Shannon; we were sitting up the back, upstairs. A man came on the bus and came and sat in front of us but turned around to face us and started leaning really close. He wanted to introduce himself and to shake our hands. There was something not quite right. All the questions he asked made alarm bells ring in my mind. We tried to avoid answering them, but in our efforts not to be rude ended up telling him our names, where we were from, what school we went to and where we were going. He wanted us to go shopping with him and tried to convince us he was a hibs player. Then he wanted pictures with us and asking us if we had drugs. I'm not sure if he was drunk, but there was something not right about him anyway. I knew i needed to get up and move, needed to do something, i mean we've all been warned enough by our parents, but we couldn't move; he was blocking our path. I just wanted to get out of that situation. Eventually the bus driver actually stopped the bus and made him get off. Everyone on the top level of the bus were kids from our school and were all really concerned if we were ok. The all admitted how sorry the were, and that they desperately wanted to help us but were too scared in case he turned on them. They let him back on the bus, but by this time we had moved so managed to avoid him. He did get off at our stop though, even though he mentioned before he was getting off at Deer Park. I'll never really know who he was or what his intentions were today, but i'll never forget the fear every one of us on that bus felt and the pure uncertainty we felt in doing what we knew we should have.

Stress

The pressure of this year is immense and its clear that its taking its toll on everyone. I'm crying every night with no idea why and its just pure stress. Its impossible to get everything i want to do done and it irritates the hell out of me.

Holding back so much i want to say

Its when i'm not busy it hits me. I kills me, you know. He asked another girl for sex and he thinks he's got away with it. He doesn't even have the curtsy to tell me. Its going to be really damn hard for me to forgive him for this. I do think he loves me, when he cries and when he cuddles me in the middle of the night. But i'll never understand how you can do that to someone you love. He went in a mood last night because i was texting Andrew, and he wouldn't tell me why. He admitted it eventually and had held it back because he knew it was stupid. But after i comforted him and reassured him that nothing was going on, i lay there thinking that he has no bloody idea everything i'm holding back from him right now.

Forgive but never forget

I thought about finishing it, i had had enough. The arguements are just too much and everyones getting hurt way more than either of us intended. I'd miss him, i know i would; but for the first time i was actually comfortable with us finishing. But Ally doesn't want us to finish, he wants to change and make this work. I need him to change for this to work but making someone change for you is wrong. I do love him for who he is, and theres parts of him that are just amazing but theres also parts of him that i despise. I'm not doing any more arguements and i'm serious, if we start arguing again and im walking away from this. He doesn't know anything i know about asking other girls for sex and telling them to come to his, planning to meet up with them, saying they look good. They've promised to tell me if he starts texting them again, so im not telling Ally i know just to wait and see if he does it again. I'm smarter than he thinks i am, he thinks i'm so oblivious and really; its him who is.
When i went over to his on wednesday i told him i didn't want to do anything 'sexual', i just wanted to talk. I'm so glad i did. We laughed, so much! I've not laughed with him like that in a long, long time. We talked about everything and he cried about not wanting to lose me. The funny thing is, when we were listening to music he started to sing 'broken strings' to me. But that song will always remind me of Matt, i don't think i'll ever forget Matt. Matt's the only reason i understand what Ally means when he says he'll always have something for Laura. I'll always love Matt, but just in a different way to before. So it was really strange for Ally to sing a song that reminded me of my ex.
But last night everyone was in Kirkton again. It's started to go too far, i mean i knew people were smoking weed and drinking.. but valy's, coke, sex, fireworks & fights. It's quite scary to be honest. I mean we're all thrilled by it when we're drunk, but to look at that situation with sober eyes, doesn't make me want to go there again. Ally, Andrew, Shannon & Me ended up coming back to my house and having a big chat and spooning sesh. We've all made a deal 'no sex for a month to prove your not just with each other for sex'. Should be fun.

This isnt working

I don't hate Bria. I spoke to her and Laura and the things Allys been saying to them's been taken too far. Asking for a shag, saying he will always have feelings for them etc. Their both actually really nice girls, he doesn't know i know all this. Not quite sure what to do, everyones saying he treats me like shit, but i love him.

Friends should; in theory; come first

I know im going to need someone when me and ally finish, but thats not a guy. I was so wrong. I shouldn't be chasing after any guys, i should be making that effort with my friends because at the end of the day, their the ones im going to need. Their the ones that are going to be there to cheer me up and help me get over Ally, no other guy will ever do that. What was i thinking? I love my friends so much, and i really do miss them. They should in theory come first. But in a relationship, he should come first. I'm just going to have to put in that extra effort, juggle everyone around for a while. Try and make them all feel like they come first.

The nights

It's the nights. I can't think of anything but him. I miss him tons, and i only saw him this morning. I cant sleep without his touch, i want to be cuddled into him, to smell him, to hear his breathe. I'm so happy, really truly i am but i'm in tears watching p.s i love you. I never cried at mushy films until i felt love for myself.

Those perfect unplanned moments

Have you ever just looked around and realized how beautiful the world is? How perfect your life really is? Sitting at the top of the hill in kirkton park; everyone manic below us. Drunk. I would never have thought it possible to describe that as beauty, but it was. Just me and Ally, sitting in the pitch black, the lights from houses shining in the distance. A bit drunk, but sobering up. Cuddling, laughing. Talking about moving in together, talking about what our children would be like, talking about getting married. That's what i mean when i want to world to stop for a minute. The rush of it all stopped and there was just love. All the anger, jealousy, fear, worry.. all gone in that moment, and just the love for each other. Those kind of things that can only be described as perfect.

And people say he's not commited enough?

Ally asked me to move in with him. I really wish i could.