What you need more than what you want

I need ally to just fuck off out my life. He's hurt me so much, put me through so much shit and I don't want this anymore. I don't want us. I don't want him. I don't want a friendship, I want nothing from him. He is never ever going to change and I'm done always being just an option in his life. He's an arrogant arsehole now and I don't even want to spend any time at all with him. Even when I ignore his texts and try to get him out my life he comes back, texting me all the time, he wont leave me alone. And I'll admit it, part of me doesn't ever want him to leave me. But I need that and I know I do. I'd rather be totally alone than made to feel like I do right now.

Utter shit

Allys on holiday & a few days ago he missed me so much and loved me and everything but then he gave me so much abuse. He thought I was with someone at a party that wasn't even there but he wouldnt believe me. He called me a slut, an attention seeker, said he hasn't trusted me for the last year. I started to ignore him because I'd rather sort it out when he's back but then he was mailing me telling me to fuck off & started calling me a slit all over again, saying I piss him off all the time and that I can't wear what I want because everyone thinks I'm a slut & that he was thinking of finishing it. But I've done nothing wrong & I'm not a slut, all I did was laughed at something he said. He says he bottles up & won't talk to me about things but I'm not a mind reader, I can't always know what he's thinking! He made me feel like total shit & here I am in tears again because I don't know how anyone who could possibly love you would want to insult you so much and make you feel this low about yourself. This is horrible, I don't want a controlling, horrible, upsetting relationship but that's exactly what I've got. And at time he can be the most loving, cute, perfect guy in the world but he's hurting me so fucking much & all I want to do is help!

A little lost.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to do or who to tell or what I want anymore. He hurt me, really, really hurt me. Again. And again. And again. And now he wants to get back. He gives me all the lines and I desperately want to believe them but its so hard. How do you listen to someone who's given you a million lies and believe that for once, this is true? He says one more chance. He says he'd make sure I'd never regret it. He swore on his life, gave me his heart, promised he'd never hurt me. But I'm already hurt. And I'm scared. Because I cant do this again. I cant put my trust in someone and be dropped. Left with nothing and no idea what to do. It really fucking hurts. He told other girls he loved them. How do I look at him when he tells me he loves me and fully believe him? I was having his baby! And it was so perfect and so beautiful. He thinks of her. He tells me and it breaks my heart because it's the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. And so you don't let someone you love go. But maybe it hurts more to hold on. I don't know. Love doesn't come around that often and really not often do you find someone who totally, fully understands you like he does. There was a saying once that people used to have 4 arms, 4 legs. Zeus split them into 2 different parts condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other half. It feels like that, you know. That there's a part of myself I see in him. I don't see that with anyone else. We can read each other like a book. You know that mask you put on when your feeling the worst you've ever felt, or you want to burst down in tears, or when your angry and you try to cover it up, he see's through that. No one else does. I feel alone. But sometimes I don't feel so alone when I'm with him and even through all the stupid mistakes both of us have made, I know he feels the same. But I'm scared. Scared to love him, scared to trust, to try, to care. Scared that he loves me. Scared of being hurt. Scared that it's all a lie. I want to love him so much, and i desperately want him to love me but I'm scared. I'm falling apart and I'm not ok at all and i cant deal with anymore pain. I just need someone to be there. Someone to reassure me. Someone to hold me in the middle of the night and just promise me you'll be there forever. And I'm not sure that in a week or so he wont walk away. What do I do?

.

I believe one day we'll get married, if we don't kill each other first.

Love isn't easy, but its worth it

A lot's been missed out in this. Me and Ally are back. We argue so much. I really don't know what to do. We cant be without each other, we cant, its horrible. But we argue, argue like we're worst enemies. But he's my bestfriend, he's everything to me. We'll have been out a year exactly tomorrow. And we argued last night & the night before. He called me a slag, he told me i'd cheat on him, he was horrible to me on Friday. Really, really horribly cruel. But i went to meet him, and we argued and talked and i tried to go home. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me back, he wouldn't let go of me. We made up though. But last night, that was something totally different. Last night should not have happened at all. Last night we argued and Ally smashed up my phone over and over and over. He roared at me, the kind of arguments that your stomach flip, the anger in his eyes. And he grabbed me, and threw me to the ground. Like i was nothing. I felt like nothing. Worthless. But i pulled myself together and i told him i was going home alone. He was instantly sorry, he cried. But i didn't want to talk, i was shocked. I still am shocked. He didn't mean to hurt me, i know he didn't but he did hurt me. He looked so lost, so ashamed. He told me he had to make sure i got home safe, he told me he couldn't be alone and he needed me more than anything. He said if i went home, he might aswell kill hiself, because life without me is nothing. He reminded me of my dad. The anger. I stayed at his, i only went back to wait for a taxi but his mum made me talk. I didn't sleep in the same room as ally. But he came through this morning, we talked and cuddled. I can't help but love him. He hates his self, i can see it in his eyes. I know he does love me. He said he'll buy me a new phone, but the phone means nothing. He kissed my knees better, kissed my forehead, cuddled me in. Even this morning he can still make me laugh. But he wont laugh, wont even smile. I want him to know he was wrong, yes, but i dont want him to hate hiself. It hurts me that he would do that to me. But it hurts me more to see him hurting. I feel like im split in half! Theres a huge part of me that loves Ally so much, and as soon as i hit the ground i wanted to give him a cuddle, to go back to his, to tell him i love him. But theres still a part of me that makes me walk away, that tells me i need to have some form of respect for myself. I'll always love Ally, that is never going away.

Good friends

So we finished. At the start he wanted me to stay all week. By friday, he couldn't care less. He couldn't tell me he loved me and he couldn't tell me he wanted to be with me. He didnt know. So i walked away. I love him. We're going to be friends still. We talk still. And surprisingly, im ok with it. Maybe we need some space. But he also doesn't want to see me with anyone else, and not that im planning to, but its bound to happen at some point. He's upset about Ben, he wants to kill him, and i want to tell him i love him, that he's worth a million of Ben. But telling him i love him isnt going to make it easier for him to get over me. Its strange, a years alot. A year is a lot of feeling to have gone through with someone and i will never ever forget Ally. I'll never forget how he made me feel, and i'll never love anyone this much. Ever.

I would understand if you walked away

I dont think i will ever be able to put into words how much i love Ally. I could write a million and more blogs and only i'll ever understand. Ben didnt want me, he wanted to make Ally angry. It was ugly and horrible and the biggest mistake of my life. But i dont remember it. I told Ally, he was angry then upset. I think he wanted me to try and make him stay, but how could i convince him to love me when i hate myself this much. He wanted to love me, to trust me. I want him to love me, to trust me. I want me to let him. I want to stop hurting him, to stop doubting him, to love him the way he is. Ally's the best thing thats ever happened to me and yet still i wanted more. I want nothing. Nothing but him. His smile, his laugh, his tears, his smell, his love, all the little things are all the things that break your heart when it comes down to it. And we did finish. 'I love you, but its not gonna work like that just me getting hurt so yeah bye, dont forget me♥'. Don't forget me. How could i forget you? Im not going to tell Ally it definately happened, because i don't know it did. But i cant lie and promise him it didn't because i don't know that either. He was really upset, i expected the anger, i expected him to finish it. But the upset, the tears. I didn't expect that. I didn't expect all that love. I didn't expect him to take me back. I love him for trying, and i love him for loving me. But i almost want to tell him to walk away. Because i cant hurt him like this. If im going to be a constant reminder of it then i'd rather not be around to remind him. I'd rather he be happy, even if that doesnt mean with me.

Wow this was supposed to be posted long ago

I dont think i will ever be able to put into words how much i love Ally. I could write a million and more blogs and only i'll ever understand. Ben didnt want me, he wanted to make Ally angry. It was ugly and horrible and the biggest mistake of my life. But i dont remember it. I told Ally, he was angry then upset. I think he wanted me to try and make him stay, but how could i convince him to love me when i hate myself this much. He wanted to love me, to trust me. I want him to love me, to trust me. I want me to let him. I want to stop hurting him, to stop doubting him, to love him the way he is. Ally's the best thing thats ever happened to me and yet still i wanted more. I want nothing. Nothing but him. His smile, his laugh, his tears, his smell, his love, all the little things are all the things that break your heart when it comes down to it. And we did finish. 'I love you, but its not gonna work like that just me getting hurt so yeah bye, dont forget me<3'. Don't forget me. How could i forget you? Im not going to tell Ally it definately happened, because i don't know it did. But i cant lie and promise him it didn't because i don't know that either. He was really upset, i expected the anger, i expected him to finish it. But the upset, the tears. I didn't expect that. I didn't expect all that love. I didn't expect him to take me back. I love him for trying, and i love him for loving me. But i almost want to tell him to walk away. Because i cant hurt him like this. If im going to be a constant reminder of it then i'd rather not be around to remind him.

Do i love you? Do you love me?

I do the same thing with Ally over and over again recently. Its boring. I'm bored of this. He doesn't tell me he loves me any more. He pushed me away constantly. We nearly finished last night. None of us can see the point any more, we cant be bothered with it any more, there's nothing good left. But its almost as if both of us are too scared to end it. So we're still together. But I don't know if he loves me, and honestly, I don't know if I love him either. I love him, but I'm just not sure I love him in that way any more. I want to do things, uni and holidays, and even the small things; I want to go out for dinner, to the cinema. But he wont. And then he complains he's bored and I get sick of trying. I don't really know where we're going here or even if we're going anywhere. But lets give it another go eh.

Let me move in with you

It feels like im waiting for fucking everything. Uni and jobs and kids and living with Ally and cars. Im sick of it! I want it now! I could have had my baby, i would have lived with Ally! I could have had all that and i threw it away! Ally thinks its too soon. I remember that night he asked me to move in, clear as anything and one of the best memories i have. He wanted it so bad i was the one who was unsure. Its so the other way about and i hate it! I want to move in with him. I hate his house. I love being with him. I dont understand why he doesnt want that anymore. I dont want to push him into anything, but i want this so bad.

I cant be alone

My dad's trying to split me & Ally up, that may sound like an exaggeration but its not. He's told me he doesn't want me to be with him, that he's not part of my future. But who is he to say what my future is? He wants University and money and a job; but all of that means nothing to me. Life isn't about money, its about love. He stopping me staying on Fridays. One night might seem like nothing, but those nights mean so much to me. My dad doesn't understand, he thinks its all about sex. Its not. Its having someone there. Its getting a cuddle in the middle of the night. Its getting a kiss before work, and having someone to come home to after work. Its not being alone. I can't be alone, i overthink and i get upset. And when your minds racking through everything in the middle of the night, sometimes that arm around you, that gentle kiss, its enough to stop it all, its reassurance; something i haven't felt from my dad in a long time. My dad told me to move in with my mum, then cried said he wanted this to feel like my home. This isn't my home. I don't know where my home is, but it's not here.

I cant do this without you anymore

Im terrified. I've never been so scared of something in my whole entire life. Losing you. Ally. I may say at times you mean nothing to me. I may say i don't need you. But you'll always mean something to me. This year with you has been hard, theres no denying it and if im honest im surprised we're still together. But arguments or not, i wouldn't change us for the world. You made me feel things that no one i've ever met has ever made me feel. Im terrified that one day i wont be able to watch you sleep, that i wont feel your arms around me anymore, i wont hear your voice all the time. I'm terrified because i know it will happen. I'm terrified of this. Us. Because i am going to lose you and i'm not sure i can do this without you anymore. Im terrified because im in this situation right now. I need you, i need you more than i've ever needed anyone. I love you more than i've ever loved anyone. And i can't lost you. Im in so deep and theres no easy was out and im not sure you feel the same. Im sorry.