My baby

I think guilt rushes over you at the most unexpected of times. To look down at my belly and think that only last week my baby was in there. Not anymore, theres no taking it back. There's never ending 'what if's' and a huge different future, gone now. I wonder what it would have been like next Christmas, to be spending money on my baby's presents, cute tiny santa suits, and my own family. Tiny little hands and tiny little feet. A babies smell. My baby. Our baby. It probably was the right thing to do, but there's always what if's.

Abortion hurts

Abortion hurts like nothing i could ever imagine. It had me screaming out in pain, and that's saying something considering i already have a high pain threshold from Crohns. It had me in tears. I was crippled in bed, i felt like i couldn't move. I was throwing up, i had an upset stomach. It's horrible. I only wish now i would have known before, because even though all the adults tell you it's not worth it just to not use protection; you don't feel the impact until it smacks you in the face. I want to tell all the girls i know who are being stupid right now. I want to tell my sister, i want her to go on the pill. She's only 14, and that may seem young, but i know what goes on and i am not letting her go through what i did yesterday. I feel kind of empty, i feel alone. Although it hurt a lot, being pregnant, you were never alone.

We talk but we don't listen

We're finished, not literally, but in my mind we have. There's no trust, no love, no care. This isn't a relationship. A relationship is spending time with each other, sitting for hours and talking, cuddling up with each other, caring about one another more than anything in the world, just being there. He's there, in person, but his mind is elsewhere. We talk but we don't listen, not really. I listen, i care about things he says send him random texts about it to check if he's ok. I dont tell him anymore because i know he's not listening. A relationship isn't him sitting on his xbox whilst i watch him. He used to try for me, he used to want me so much but now he has me that's all stopped. He asked Bria to go to his football game on Sunday. He tries for her. I know she wouldn't have went, it's too far away. But why ask? He denied it, we had a big argument in which i told him he could deny it all he wants, i know he's lying. He told me to shut the fuck up. I want respect. No one has the right to talk to me like that, especially not someone i've given so much to. I want honesty. He admitted i was right later, its the lie that bothers me more than anything. Because, asking Bria that's one issue. But if you can lie that easily to someone you 'love' that's an issue which is never ending. How can i trust him if he lies? I told him if he wanted to be with me to start acting like it, to which he replied 'Hahaha yer full aee pish hen, cya later' If that was his attempt at finishing with me, he's pathetic. I thought i meant more than that to him. That our relationship would finish sivally, as friends even. That's just calous and cruel and if i ever meant anything to him he would never have dared to finish it like that. I've started talking to Ben, not because i want to be with Ben but because he cares. He gives me someone to talk to about anything. I trust Ben. He almost reminds me of how Ally used to be. He tries. I miss that.

Im like a fountain

I cannot stop peeing! I've literally pee'd about 10 times in the last hour! Its unreal! I've decided I'm definitely getting an abortion. I'm doing this for Ally, but I'm doing it for us. I wouldn't want to be pushed into becoming a parent if I didn't want to, it changes your full life and its a step a couple should take together not either one of them being pushed. He had the respect to say he'd be there for me, and I should have the respect to take his feelings into account as well. I can see us having kids one day, I can, but there'll come a time where it will seem like the perfect addition to our relationship, and I don't think now's that time.

Jessica said yesterday she doesn't mind if she gets pregnant, she'd 'just get an abortion' she said it like it was so simple, smiling even. I didn't know whether I wanted to hit her or give her a cuddle. She's making the same stupid mistake I did, and she has no idea what's to come. Because it will come, she'll think it wont, it will though. I didn't say anything, I just sat in silence.

Tiny little bean

Everyone's right when they say its nothing. Technically it is just cells. But technically it will also have fingers and toes by the time i go to the hospital next Friday. It doesn't feel like nothing though. I may be just the size of a bean, but that beans keeping me up in the middle of the night, its making me puke in the shower, making my boobs hurt and stomach cramp, making me sit in tears for the last half an hour. It may be just a tiny little bean, but it can change a hell of a lot.

'Fuck off ya wee fucking idiot' Some nice comforting from Ally there

Her life's in my hands

I have no one to talk to about this. I really truly don't. My mum will convince me to abort it, Shannon's there for me but she doesn't understand, how can she? I need Ally to be there for me right now and he is, but he refuses to talk about it. This is the hardest decision i've ever had to make in my entire life. There's no one to talk to, and there's no time, and its all my decision. No one else will make this decision for me. I have 5 days to decide on the fate of my baby's life. I have no idea what to do.

Influences

Its strange how our past and everyone in it affects who you are in your every action, the person you are today so greatly. It's not that i don't like Allys dad, he's done nothing wrong to me, its just his way: the words he uses, the way he describes Ally's mum, his anger. I see a lot of that in Ally and i don't like it one bit. When he's with his mum, he's.. i don't know how to explain it, he's talks the way every girl wishes her boyfriend would? He tells me how much he cares, how he'd never leave me, how much he wants me to move in. My dad doesn't want me to move in with Ally, he says he's too jealous. He is, im also too jealous. Too suspicious perhaps. But im suspicious because i've seen exactly what im scared of destroy my entire family. I see the woman my dad dates, their relationship beginnings and endings always suspiciously over lapping. I see their naivety. I may be 16, i may have no idea about the world or even relationships, and i don't claim to but i've been shown example after example of why not to trust a guy. I've seen how easily its done, these woman are none the wiser. The man they care about pulls the wool over their eyes and jumps into another woman's bed, he comes back, he takes you to the cinema and you think he loves you. How would you know he was cheating on you? You wouldn't. So maybe that's where my suspicion stems from, where my jealousy stems from. Nothing ever does last in the end. You can be with someone till the day you die, that doesn't mean it lasted. Nothings perfect. It's not the babys fault, its my fault, its Allys fault. Maybe i am too young to have a baby. It would be hard, i know it would. But its always going to be hard whether your 16 or 26. Maybe Ally doesn't want this baby because of all the things his mum's telling him. Maybe im unsure, because deep down, i know i could do this. And why should you kill a baby because your scared? Have you never been scared of something before and still had to do it. I bet it worked out alright didn't it? You were scared on your first day of school, does that mean you shouldn't go? Your scared to propose to someone, does that mean you never should? Because letting fear control you gets you no where. Maybe i am this strong because of everything i've been through. Life's hard, but this baby deserves to see it.

Get rid

I told my mum last night, she wasn't angry or upset. She was there for me, in the best possible way and i'll always be grateful for everything both her & Allys mum are doing for me right now. I wanted to talk to her about how much doubt im having right now about having an abortion but the first thing she asked was 'i take it you are getting rid of it?'. Maybe it was her wording, maybe my hesitance to disappoint her, either way i told her i was sure i was. I hate that 'getting rid', i've said it myself, but its horrible its not something you can 'get rid' of, its a baby, my baby. I keep crying everytime i think of it, im really not sure. Im doing this for Ally. Im going to hospital a week on Friday.

There's always beauty in the fear

The first snow came the night i found out i was having a baby

Did you know by 4 weeks, our baby has hair, a spinal cord, all the foundations for feelings and senses. At 6 weeks, our baby's heart is beating 150 beats a minute. Next week, our baby would have fingers and toes and be the size of a grape.

Im pregnant

I'm pregnant. This is one of the biggest decisions of my life. Everyone was drinking in mine on Friday and me and Ally argued, we got angry at each other because we were both terrified. Terrified for this moment, for what i guess i've known for days to actually be true. His mum was so happy when we got home on Friday, she was drunk and talking about us getting married about having kids. Ally blurted it out, that i might be pregnant. I was so shocked. But i'll always admire how brave he was in doing that. He had told Connor, Kieran & Robbie that i might be, I had told Leah & Shannon. Because we needed someone to talk to when we didn't know how to react to each other. Connor gave me a hug, and we both cried. Everyone told me that Ally would never leave me even if i was, that they all know he loves me so much. Ally told his mum he thinks we'll be together for a while, gave me drawers in his room. He seems serious about me, sure that he loves me. So i did a test on Saturday, i went in the shower, i couldnt face sitting there waiting for it to prove positive or negative. Those two lines brought tears to my eyes. Going up to Allys room and having to tell him. To see his stomach drop like mine did, to see the fear in his eyes. We sat in silence for a while. There was nothing in the world that could be said to fix the situation we're in right now. Ally told me he loved me, that he'd stick by me whatever i decided. I'm terrified, but im so unbelievably proud of the way Ally reacted, i'll never ever forget this. It will be fine, i should get rid of it, and i will. But im not sure i want to. Shannon might not be able to have kids, Allys brother cant, my mum lost a baby. People want so much to have what we have right now, and we're throwing it away like its nothing.

You dont love me

Its like the carpet being pulled from under your feet. It makes you feel sick. Makes your jaw tremble. Brings tears to your eyes. It terrifies me. I think he's going to finish it, he doesn't want to be with me. I love him more than i can ever explain but i'm not forcing him to be with me. I've told him; if he doesnt want to do this, tell me now. Waiting for that text, i'm petrified right now.

What if

My periods a week late. Its never that regular though, a few days late or early usually. I don't even feel like im going to get it, so maybe its not late, it'll come soon. My belly hurts a lot, it'll be my crohns and maybe that's why im not getting my period. I don't even think this is true at all, and i guess im only writing this because Ally's asked me about it a lot the past few days; what if i'm pregnant. He's told me i'd have to get rid of it, in his eyes there's no option. 'Get Shannons mum to take you to kill it'. Kill it, harsh. I'm not pregnant, but it would be nice to know you'd be there either way.

I dread this day

Im so happy with Ally, i really am. And i hope we don't ever finish, i'd love to spend forever with him.
But that's unrealistic, i'm not stupid. Everyone leaves at some point. They die, or they move, or they no longer want or need you. It'll happen at some point with Ally. It scares me about everyone, but your family are more likely to stay. Maybe not because they want to, but your always tied together in some way. Ally only has to stay as long as he wants to, its like a string waiting to snap. One day that small tie that he has to me, will break. There will be no us. And maybe at the time that'll be for the best. But maybe one day we wont talk. I'll pass him in the street and we wont even look at each other. I'll know nothing about his football or his weekends. I'll no longer recognise his smell. Maybe one day i'll forget what he looks like. Maybe one day it'll be as if we never even met.

Insight

Allys mum & dad are arguing alot. His mum just posted on facebook 'Has to get away for a while so fed up' and 'Sometimes you just know when enough is enough!!'. Its not my place to give advice i guess, ive not been in that situation. But i've seen my mum and dad struggle through that, ive felt what it must feel like to be in Allys position. My bet is their staying together for Ally or Dean. I would tell her its the wrong choice, that he'll be happy when she is. But its not my place.
Its strange to look back on how i felt about my mum and dad's split back then.Yeah, It was horrible and for a while everyone was extremely upset. But you get through it, it does get better. Now i'd never wish for them to get back together ever. Im living with my dad now, he moved in here and my mum moved out. He can afford the mortgage better, has regular shifts at work and so can give us a more 'stable upbringing'.

Love is not something to be feared, yet something to be treasured

Nothing really matters you know. The only thing that matters in life is love. And falling in love is.. its unexplainable. You hear everyone speak of it, hear of it since you were too young to even begin to understand the concept. Its always been there, all around you, everyone falling in love, being in love, love. Your mum & dad were once in love, your cousins, sisters perhaps. But when you feel it for yourself, its new. You've heard it, seen it, but to feel it is something totally different. Theres no doubt in my mind that im in love with Ally. Every little part of him, everything he makes me feel. He amazes me everyday, he's unbelievable. He told me he was in love with me the other day. I cant begin to explain how great that felt. This cant possibly be real can it? I've never had something quite so beautiful in my life, theres flaws in everything. But right in this second, i wouldn't change a single thing about our relationship.

8 month contraception party

My party was on Thursday in Da Vinci's. It amazing, the place was beautiful and everyone had a great time. My shoes were Kurt Geiger and Gorgeous!

I could talk about Ally forever, you should know that by now. Instead of going to Jamie's party last night i had a night in with him. He cooked for me for the first time, all be it french toast. He ordered us a pizza. We were play fighting and cuddled watching telly, having sex and sharing dinner. He's gorgeous. He makes me laugh so much. My heart feels like it could burst! His eyelashes, his smile, his laugh, his weight on top of me even just for a cuddle, his arm around me when i sleep, his unexpected kisses. Oh my god, his smell. So glad i bought him that aftershave. Note to self: Ultraviolet, Paco Rabbane. Every part of him. I love him so much! 8 Months yesterday.

My dad mentioned contraception again, and i wanted to throw up. Even writing this i feel sick. Apparently i cant go on the pill because of my Crohns disease. I dont want it! I need to know i can have kids

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He watches me when I sleep
His touch
How easily he can make me laugh

Smile

And he's said it already, it didn't take long. But those 3 words meant the world to me when he said them. He can put a smile on my face without even trying!
My parties tomorrow and im so excited! Nervous, but excited!

Im not saying it until you do

I just want to feel wanted. I know he loves me, but i need that reminder. When i tell him i love him, i need him to say it back for me to feel it. For me to say i love you and him to reply with 'Right whats your status about?', quite rejecting if im honest. Just tell me you love me if you do. Its not hard Ally.

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Watching the fireworks with his arms round me
The colour of his eyes

If you knew you'd never see them again

Wow. My friends dad died today. That sounds so insensitive, but theres no nice way to put something as horrible as that. I cant even begin to imagine what he's feeling right now, i mean it upsets me to think about it and i didnt even know his dad. Its a horrible, horrible thing to lose someone; but someone that close, i think it touches everyone. Well it certainly does me. It terrifies me the prospect of losing someone i love, you dont really think about it on a daily basis. Dont really show people how much you love them; perhaps dont even realise it yourself until their gone. If you knew you'd never see someone again, what would you do? We should show people how much we love them everyday, not just when they're not around to see it anymore.

I'll never be her

'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'

'Jesus laura' 'What' 'I love you'
He's never said that to me, never been so taken aback by how much he loves me. I'll never be her, he'll never be over her. Will i ever be good enough? He compares me to her, and im not her. She left him & i dont think he's really over her. Her her her. Laura. It was Laura he asked for sex. He called her fat to me, laughed at her. To convince himself he was doing nothing wrong, perhaps.
I tell him i love him all the time, because i do. But its always me now adays, its always me saying it first. Last night i said night, and i didn't say love you. He thought i was in a mood with him; i just wanted him to say it first. He didnt, and i ended up saying it first still. Insecurity.
I thought i was having a quiet weekend in with Ally, thats what he wants when im out, he suggested it the last time i was out without him. But now, he's trying to convince me to go to smithys party, he wants to get Kieran. If he goes to the fireworks and out with all those slutty little girls, im not going. Its to make me jealous, it doesnt, it only makes me disapointed.

If i didnt know better

For the past couple of weeks i've been randomly throwing up. I don't feel sick all day and suddenly i just have to run to the toilet. If i didn't know better i'd think i was pregnant. But i can't be, i've had my period. But then what the hell is wrong with me?

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The way he looks when he comes out with shower.
Play fighting.

Just being there

I've just got home from the cinema. Its Ally's birthday today. I stayed at his last night and we just chilled in the house, just us two. Then i got ready at his this morning and went to the cinema and i'm just home. I feel really alone. Its strange you know, to come home to my own house and realize just how much more comfortable i am in his house. I mean i'm staying there again tomorrow, i'm only staying here because i have work tomorrow. I felt like we were kind of off today, kind of like he more wanted to be with his friends than me but even just having him there reassures me. I don't know why, but i stop myself from touching him. If i want to hold his hand, i don't. If i want to cuddle him, i don't. That must feel horrible to him, i know it must look like i just don't want to, but i do more than anything. One of the best feelings in the world is him putting his arm round me in the middle of the night, pulling me close. Then i know i'm not alone.

The end of an era

My mum got her divorce letter through today. Its official; my parents are divorced. They had been together since they were 15 and to me that sounds like forever. I can't imagine what my mum's feeling right now so i gave her a hug and tried to be their for her. She cried but if i'm honest i don't understand why. She knew it was coming. Her & my dad have started talking again so i don't see whats so upsetting about it. I think perhaps when i'm older i'll understand what she was feeling today.

I'm a bitch

I such a horrible person. I should never have read roses mail, thats her private conversations and I had no right. I bitch about the people I love so much, because there's parts of all of them I dislike but its all those annoyances that make you love someone and i shouldn't hate them. I don't want to lose my friends, I love them so much! But I'm the one in the wrong here and I'm not quite sure how to fix it.

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Situations your parents warn you about

You know when your parents warn you of all the scary things out there in the world and you laugh because 'it'll never happen to you', well your wrong. I proved that to myself today. I was on the bus to go shopping with Shannon; we were sitting up the back, upstairs. A man came on the bus and came and sat in front of us but turned around to face us and started leaning really close. He wanted to introduce himself and to shake our hands. There was something not quite right. All the questions he asked made alarm bells ring in my mind. We tried to avoid answering them, but in our efforts not to be rude ended up telling him our names, where we were from, what school we went to and where we were going. He wanted us to go shopping with him and tried to convince us he was a hibs player. Then he wanted pictures with us and asking us if we had drugs. I'm not sure if he was drunk, but there was something not right about him anyway. I knew i needed to get up and move, needed to do something, i mean we've all been warned enough by our parents, but we couldn't move; he was blocking our path. I just wanted to get out of that situation. Eventually the bus driver actually stopped the bus and made him get off. Everyone on the top level of the bus were kids from our school and were all really concerned if we were ok. The all admitted how sorry the were, and that they desperately wanted to help us but were too scared in case he turned on them. They let him back on the bus, but by this time we had moved so managed to avoid him. He did get off at our stop though, even though he mentioned before he was getting off at Deer Park. I'll never really know who he was or what his intentions were today, but i'll never forget the fear every one of us on that bus felt and the pure uncertainty we felt in doing what we knew we should have.

Stress

The pressure of this year is immense and its clear that its taking its toll on everyone. I'm crying every night with no idea why and its just pure stress. Its impossible to get everything i want to do done and it irritates the hell out of me.

Holding back so much i want to say

Its when i'm not busy it hits me. I kills me, you know. He asked another girl for sex and he thinks he's got away with it. He doesn't even have the curtsy to tell me. Its going to be really damn hard for me to forgive him for this. I do think he loves me, when he cries and when he cuddles me in the middle of the night. But i'll never understand how you can do that to someone you love. He went in a mood last night because i was texting Andrew, and he wouldn't tell me why. He admitted it eventually and had held it back because he knew it was stupid. But after i comforted him and reassured him that nothing was going on, i lay there thinking that he has no bloody idea everything i'm holding back from him right now.

Forgive but never forget

I thought about finishing it, i had had enough. The arguements are just too much and everyones getting hurt way more than either of us intended. I'd miss him, i know i would; but for the first time i was actually comfortable with us finishing. But Ally doesn't want us to finish, he wants to change and make this work. I need him to change for this to work but making someone change for you is wrong. I do love him for who he is, and theres parts of him that are just amazing but theres also parts of him that i despise. I'm not doing any more arguements and i'm serious, if we start arguing again and im walking away from this. He doesn't know anything i know about asking other girls for sex and telling them to come to his, planning to meet up with them, saying they look good. They've promised to tell me if he starts texting them again, so im not telling Ally i know just to wait and see if he does it again. I'm smarter than he thinks i am, he thinks i'm so oblivious and really; its him who is.
When i went over to his on wednesday i told him i didn't want to do anything 'sexual', i just wanted to talk. I'm so glad i did. We laughed, so much! I've not laughed with him like that in a long, long time. We talked about everything and he cried about not wanting to lose me. The funny thing is, when we were listening to music he started to sing 'broken strings' to me. But that song will always remind me of Matt, i don't think i'll ever forget Matt. Matt's the only reason i understand what Ally means when he says he'll always have something for Laura. I'll always love Matt, but just in a different way to before. So it was really strange for Ally to sing a song that reminded me of my ex.
But last night everyone was in Kirkton again. It's started to go too far, i mean i knew people were smoking weed and drinking.. but valy's, coke, sex, fireworks & fights. It's quite scary to be honest. I mean we're all thrilled by it when we're drunk, but to look at that situation with sober eyes, doesn't make me want to go there again. Ally, Andrew, Shannon & Me ended up coming back to my house and having a big chat and spooning sesh. We've all made a deal 'no sex for a month to prove your not just with each other for sex'. Should be fun.

This isnt working

I don't hate Bria. I spoke to her and Laura and the things Allys been saying to them's been taken too far. Asking for a shag, saying he will always have feelings for them etc. Their both actually really nice girls, he doesn't know i know all this. Not quite sure what to do, everyones saying he treats me like shit, but i love him.

Friends should; in theory; come first

I know im going to need someone when me and ally finish, but thats not a guy. I was so wrong. I shouldn't be chasing after any guys, i should be making that effort with my friends because at the end of the day, their the ones im going to need. Their the ones that are going to be there to cheer me up and help me get over Ally, no other guy will ever do that. What was i thinking? I love my friends so much, and i really do miss them. They should in theory come first. But in a relationship, he should come first. I'm just going to have to put in that extra effort, juggle everyone around for a while. Try and make them all feel like they come first.

The nights

It's the nights. I can't think of anything but him. I miss him tons, and i only saw him this morning. I cant sleep without his touch, i want to be cuddled into him, to smell him, to hear his breathe. I'm so happy, really truly i am but i'm in tears watching p.s i love you. I never cried at mushy films until i felt love for myself.

Those perfect unplanned moments

Have you ever just looked around and realized how beautiful the world is? How perfect your life really is? Sitting at the top of the hill in kirkton park; everyone manic below us. Drunk. I would never have thought it possible to describe that as beauty, but it was. Just me and Ally, sitting in the pitch black, the lights from houses shining in the distance. A bit drunk, but sobering up. Cuddling, laughing. Talking about moving in together, talking about what our children would be like, talking about getting married. That's what i mean when i want to world to stop for a minute. The rush of it all stopped and there was just love. All the anger, jealousy, fear, worry.. all gone in that moment, and just the love for each other. Those kind of things that can only be described as perfect.

And people say he's not commited enough?

Ally asked me to move in with him. I really wish i could.

Leave me alone hormones!

The past few days ive been wanting to cry all the time. I dunno whats wrong with me! No idea what im upset about, just every little thing. I can be in the middle of a conversation and want to burst into tears. Today i was down at lunch, and the next class i sat crying with laughter. Hormones, god!

Uncertainty, insecurity & fear

Im so scared. I love Ally more than i've ever loved anyone and its terrifying to know how much he could hurt me. I need to know how he feels everyday or else i start to become paranoid, and thats my problem not his i know. Neither of us have done this before and i don't think either of us really know how to react to how we feel. I certainly don't. He's either a great liar or just afraid to show his feelings to anyone else. I know he loves me, when he looks in my eyes and tells me, i could trust him with my life. But when im not around, or when other people are? He's different. And i accept that, i accept all the little parts of him i dislike because honestly, i don't know how to deal with them. He has a real temper, i saw that last night. I mentioned to him about showing that he cares about me a bit more. He swore, and shouted and wouldn't calm down. And that scares me, how fast his mood changes, the anger. I back down, i see myself doing it and its not because i think i'm wrong. Its because i'm scared. Scared of not knowing his feelings. Scared of being with him. Scared of being without him.

I want the future, but do i want it now?

I wish i wasn't in limbo all the time. Tell me what you want! Is it even me anymore? You send me long texts saying you love me and how amazing i am and how sorry you are. But i want the everyday reminders. I want you to text me first. I want you to miss me like i miss you. Post random love hearts on my facebook. Just let me know you think of me. Because i think of you all day, everyday. There's something missing. I love you with all my heart, but im just not sure either of us are totally in this anymore. We hide things from each other, its an effort to try and talk to each other. Maybe this is what you were feeling before. I want to cuddle you in the winter, i want my birthday party with you, i want bonfire night with you, i want christmas. You dont make me laugh anymore.

In too deep or not deep enough?

It feels like I've bearly blinked from the minute me & ally first kissed till now. It's so fast, 6 months has went way too fast. I sometimes wish we could just stop, just right here, right now. Just give my feelings a chance to catch up. 6 months is nothing, but so much at the same time. I feel like I'm choking sometimes. And yet at the same time grasping for more. I always want more, he wants more too. But it's too rushed. I just want to breathe for a minute. My dad said I stay with him too much, I give too much and that I should pull back and just see if he follows. See how much he's really into me. But the truth is im scared to incase he doesn't come and I just lose him again. I'm leading myself into heartbreak, I know I am and in the long run this is going to kill me. But i just can't help myself, only 6 months and I'm already lost without him.

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Am i normal?

Its not that i want to get pregnant. I don't. Although i think a baby would be 'cute' and 'nice', i'm not stupid i know it wouldn't work. And i want to live first. Its that i'm scared. I've been having totally unprotected sex for the last 5 months ish, and i'm not pregnant. Is that normal? I mean, its stupid not using anything, i know that too. I've been to the doctors about going on the pill, decided i want the implant. But im not pregnant, and should i be? Im scared that maybe i can't have kids. We spoke about fertility in the drugs i've been given for Crohns but i always said if it affected my fertility at all there was no chance i was taking it. But maybe there is something wrong. I almost don't want the implant, just to make sure i can get pregnant. Stupid i know.

Youths not wasted on the young

I want to live life, its short. And im young, i just want to have all the fun i can before i get too old for it! I was supposed to have 6 people over last night, there was 14 of us. Josh puked on my carpet and spilt buckfast on it aswell (buckfast, classy i know!). Marc was crying because his grandad has cancer, Leah was crying cause Marc was crying, Connor was crying because it reminded him his gran has Ms, I was starting to cry because it reminded me of my grans cancer, so were Shannon and Ally, Andrew was crying and i dont even know why. And you know what, i burst out laughing. Just seeing everyone sitting there crying, yet their some of the happiest people i've ever known. Josh was crying because he mucked up my carpet. And when my mum got home she went mental! But i honestly could not care, its a few crumbs, its a carpet. Its not worth tears. Its really not. Me and Ally are totally fine (And im wayyyyy to touchy feely when im drunk) but i love him so much. And honestly? I could not be happier!

Act your age not your shoe size

Leah's going through a really hard time right now, her mum and dad have just split up. Although im not that close to her i've tried to be there as much as i can for her, because i know she's upset and she needs people to talk to right now. Her friends are so horrible, in particular Bria. They've all fell out and are blaming it on Leah. Its so immature they won't even take responsibility for their own actions, just grow up you have fell out, yous will get over it. Their supposed to be her friends and yet when she needs them most their not there for her. Cant they see that she really needs them right now? I'd put a stupid argument behind me to be their for my best friends through that. She has enough on her plate without them getting at her. I'm biased since i already hate Bria so its not surprising i'd disagree with whats she's doing. She really just needs to grow up. You can't blame your actions on someone else. You can't split up relationships for the fun of it. You cant bitch about your friends over the internet. Your only a year younger than me, act it.

He doesn't realize how much he hurts me

And when i thought i couldn't be happier, i'm in tears all over again. He makes digs at things i say for pointless reasons. I was out with all the girls last night, but then we went to kirkton to see Ben, Gary, Alfie etc. Then Ally was so off with me in his texts and i phoned him to try and talk it over and he just didn't want to talk, saying nothing was wrong. Then he was apologizing be so nice and saying it was just all jealousy and that he doesn't like me hanging about with other guys but that he was just being a dick. I phoned him to tell him it was ok and that he could trust me. He went mental 'Get intae whoever you want! I don't even care! Don't phone me!' Bringing up kissing my friends again and again. But that's my fault, i know i should never have done it but i really cant take it back and you know half the time he says he'll get over it. I know its not that easy, and i don't expect him to trust me straight away but im trying to show him he can trust me. I was in tears and he was just shouting he doesn't care. And then changing his mind, that he's the one being a wank and that he loves me. And i take all that, i let him win the argument, because loosing the arguments better than loosing him. He hurts me more than he even knows, i know he doesn't mean it. He gets angry and he has reason not to trust me. But its just that switch in his feelings so fast i don't even know where i am half the time. I don't think he near realizes how upset i am about all of this. But you know what, i'll take all the shit he gives me because i love him.

To be her would be my worst nightmare

Remind me never to be like my mum. Never. She constantly rants, and it exhausts me. Just chill out seriously? And her lift revolves around money. She lies and i'm sure she's actually convinced herself the lies are true half the time. I love her to pieces, but to turn into her would be my worst nightmare. She's wrong, my life doesn't revolve around myself; it just doesn't revolve around her either. When your young, its all about needing your mum's permission, needing her money, needing her help. I don't need that anymore. I need her because i love her. But physically, i don't need her. She's like a sister, you need her, but literally; you dont. I think she finds it hard to come to grips with the fact that im growing up.

Couldn't be happier

'Dont be with someone because its easy. Be with someone because you love them. Even if its difficult'

Pretty much sums up my full relationship. We talked about everything last night, and he's said he loves me, and its clear to everyone that i love him. I cried, we hugged, kissed. I couldn't be happier.

Missing all the 'fun'

I think its the longing to be single. Everyone's out having sex with who ever they want, having fun, making plans. Although i wouldn't want to just have sex with anyone, i do miss kissing people. Its the uncertainty of it. Your not sure how they'll react, their unfamiliar. I would never cheat on Ally, but we were talking today and i he's feeling pretty much the same. I'd be up for letting him kiss other people. I mean you can only have one thing or another, a relationship or 'fun'. But maybe that's the best of both? He said he won't kiss anyone else though, i love that about him. I know he wants to, but i know he wont. He's told me he doesn't like someone else either. We both just want the best of both worlds i guess.

I miss the laughter

Everyone says its all about the games. Playing hard to get etc. But what happens when you take it too far? When your whole relationships tangled in the games, caught up in the confusion of whats actually real. I've made him jealous, it works you know, makes him realise how much he wants you. But there comes a point where its not a game anymore, where the jealousy develops into hurt. I was stupid, really stupid. I used to always think relationship's weren't about the trust. How wrong i was. You should never break someone's trust like i did. I know it hurt him, it was cruel and vindictive and wrong. But im twisted at times, even i can see it. I like to see him jealous, i like to do what people tell me not to. I hate that side to me. Its ruined this. The best thing thats ever happened to me, and i've ruined it. Maybe he needs some space? To realise that he does want me. Or for me to realise i don't want him. But maybe thats just another game? I don't know how to fix this. Theres nothing to say anymore. We make awkward chat about nothing because i know he doesn't care. Its old, he knows everything about me, theres nothing knew to say. I know what he'll be doing and when. Its old. We know each other too well. Maybe we went to fast? You know, i'd like to slow it down. To take it back to the start. I was so nervous of everything. To laugh with him. To meet his mum for the first time. Everything. The laughing, thats what's missing you know. We used to make each other laugh so easily. We used to play fight, and laugh, and lead to kissing. And thats what i miss. Now i don't know what he wants me to do. Im scared to play fight with him incase he doesn't want me. Even to cuddle him incase he doesn't want me. But i miss him so much. I want to laugh with him, but a laugh cant be forced.

I love him more than anything in the world and he just doesnt love me back

I cant imagine life without him now. My halloween party, my birthday party, weekends. What am i gonna do? He doesn't feel the same and i don't know how to make him. I love him more than anything in the world and he just doesn't love me back. I almost begged him to stay with me. But i know in my heart it won't last, i just desperately want it to. I'll do anything i can to make it work. He said he'd give me a chance to prove he can trust me. But i don't think its all about the trust. Somethings just not the same when im with him. Maybe i know its because he doesn't want to be there. Im makes me feel so sick. I really dont wanna lose him.

My little secret

This whole blog is like my little secret. Its strange that no one knows i write this, not one single person. All my thoughs and dreams poured out over the internet, for anyone to read. But truely, no one that cares. I wonder how long i'll write this? Maybe in a years time it will all be a forgotten memory. Maybe i'll still be writing when i have a teenager myself? I might let someone read it one day. A loved one. Perhaps my daughter when she reaches the age i am now. That is if i have a daughter! Maybe i'll leave the URL in my will. So everyone can read it. They'll see how much i loved them, maybe learn from my thoughts. Maybe i'll never tell anyone, and this will all just be my little secret.

Six months a guessing game

Wow, 6 months today. Things aren't perfect, nothing is though. The moment when you lower your respect for yourself occurs in the exact second your love for someone multiplies by a million. The idiots you see being told exactly what to do by their partner, and you wonder why? So many people have been there. You'll say that would never be you, say you'd never let some treat you like that. But it is you. Or it will be. Its the desperation to hold on to someone. To change your full self for that person. The moment when you realise someones slipping away from you and you'll do anything to pull them back. You say your friends always come first, you'd never put a boy first. Thousands of girls have said it. I've said it. It all changes you know? Id put Ally before anyone. No one else in the world makes me feel the way he does. I just wish i'd realised this before. I tried to make him jealous, but why? If i loved him, why? Because it did make him jealous, it hurt him. Maybe i wanted to make him know he could lose me, i made him know that so much it made him want to walk away. I was wrong, so wrong. I'd do anything in the world to take back everything i've done to him. To make him love me as much as he did. Its a guessing game, love. Guessing the right things, and the wrong. Guessing people's feelings, thoughts. Guessing what they want, what they dont. I guess i made alot of mistakes.

We understood each other, if only for a moment

Ahhhhh. So much of this blog is about Ally this year, so here's another post about him! Last night i went to his, it was ok. It was a relief for me that we were actually ok. But when i went home he text me saying he just thought it was still weird. My moods change so fast its unreal. So i was really upset again, i phoned him but he just kept trying to hang up on me which only upset me more. It seems his moods change pretty fast aswell, as he posted on my facebook asking me to stay at his. My phone was broke so i couldn't even text back. But i left the house to meet him, only half an hour after i got home. Pitch black. No phone. Scared, upset, alone. But im glad i did, i stayed at his and we laughed and thing seem to be alot better now! Our relationship makes no sense, no one can keep up. But theres something there, we understand it. We lay for ages last night, not talking just looking into each others eyes. After all the arguement, all the upset, we were cuddled up with each other in bed.. and there's something there. We both understood each right in that moment.

Regret

I treated him like shit. I never even realised at all, but i did. It kissed all my friends, i text hearts to Andrew & Calum but yet going mental at him texting Bria. The time i said i didn't even know whether i liked him? Thats alot in 6 months. I regret it all. We nearly finished tonight. I love him so much it hurts. But we didn't. We're gonna just start over.

Note to self: (After Ally) Never let someone have this much control over your happiness

Paranoid

I feel like im going insane. Why did i ever let myself love him so much? I don't even know what went wrong. He 'couldn't be arsed' for me to go to his tonight, even though i was already in Bathgate. Then he was all happy and wanted me to go to his. We hardly spoke, we had sex, he fell asleep, we hardly spoke i went home 3 hours early. He's talking to Bria again. Maybe its nothing. He says they don't even talk, and i believe him, but everytime im with him they do talk. I don't know what to believe anymore. I hate her with a passion because i know how easily she could take all this away from me. I mean i should know, i did it to her. I didn't do it intentionally though, although i dare say if i had know she was out with Ally when i started talking to him, i wouldn't have cared anymore than i did anyway. I don't know what he's thinking. We didn't even kiss. We had sex, and we didn't even kiss. That's not love. Thats just pure and utter sex. And im not here for a sex, im not here to be second best.

Sex sex sex sex sex

I want him all the time, literally. I'm in class, and he's in his bed, in the shower. I'm horny 24/7. We have sex everytime i'm with him, we just cant help ourselfs. When i'm old and dried up, i hope i remember these times.

At some point i'll need someone else

Its not that i even want Ben or even Calum. I flirt with them, i text, i act like im interested. But im not. The only guy i want is Ally. I know doing all this hurts him, makes him angry and the guilt it gives me makes me feel physically sick. But yet i still do it. I'd never cheat on him, never even want to. Im not interested in the slightest in either of them. Perhaps its the hatred for Bria, the jealousy i still feel. I want him to feel that, well actually i don't, its horrible. But I want him to know that i could have someone just as easily as i could. Bria's his ex, Calum's mine. It works, the jealousy. He hates Calum. I don't want to do this, i don't want to hurt him, but i need to keep the reminder that at some point we will finish and i need someone else. He'll run off with Bria, or Laura and some other stupid bitch and i'll need to show him that i don't give a shit. And the way to do that? Ben? Calum?

I want to move out

How do you choose between your mum and dad? They both want me & Sarah to live with them, but how do we choose? Their fighting over us constantly, and it should be nice to know we're both wanted, but its horrible. To know that at some point, we're going to have to choose. To hurt one of them so much. I can't stop thinking about it, and they just don't seem to care. Well my mum certainly; my dad offered to meet up to talk about it all, but she wont even do that. Not even for me & Sarah. I love them so much, but sometimes i really feel the forget it affects us when they argue, our feeling are shoved to the side when it comes down to each other. So much hatred thrown around in my family, and im stuck in the middle of it all. I want to get away from it all. I need space. Id live by myself if i could.

I hate money

I never ever ever want my life to be about money. Everything with my mum & dad revolves around money now, the child support, the morgage ect. I mean they've been apart for more than a year now and yet the arguements still continue. It's not worth it at all. All that love destroyed over money. Money will never make you happier than love will. They both say how they were the love of each others life, how they still care about each other. Would you throw away the person you love for a few strips of paper?

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All the wrong choices for all the right reasons

I was supposed to be home by 10 tonight, way earlier than normal! But I was at Ally's and his mum had said she would give me a lift at half 10. I'm really greatful for his mum, she's been really nice to me and helped me out a lot in trying to see Ally when my mum wasn't around to help out with lifts etc, so I'm not picky, I should be thankful for the lift in the first place, not be cheeky enough to ask for a different time. So I didn't. I told my mum I'd be home later, and she went mental. It's no surprise with her to be honest. Ally knows we've been argueing and offered to ask his mum to take me home earlier, but after the mood I could tell my mum was in, I'd rather not go home. And if I'm honest I suck up all the time I have with Ally. I'd rather be with him than anyone else, even if it is just an extra half hour. I now have no laptop or maths tutor. But I have ally, and that's better than anything.

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Everyones hurting so much

I remember how my mum used to be with me, i don't think i'll ever forget. I was so strong, so stubborn, but i was terrified of her. When Sarah yelled my name tonight, i heard that fear in her voice, and i heard the anger in my mums and i wasn't going to let anyone treat my little sister like that. I reminded myself of my dad. Sarah ran to my room when i opened my door, my mum chasing her, me blocking her path, protecting Sarah. When i was Sarah's age, i remember my dad doing the exact same thing for me. I ended up in a huge arguement with my mum tonight; one which i utterly regret already. I love my mum to bits, and i never would have meant to hurt her like this. Sarah told her we wanted to move in with dad, and i totally backed her up. I told her everything. That dad was trying to get the house, and we were going to live with him. That we think she's never in. She spends our child support money on nights out, and comes home at 4 in the morning. That i don't really see her as a parent. If im honest i have no idea about the money, they both lie i know they do.. or at least one of them is lying and i dont have the slightest idea who it is. I don't know who i want to live with, if i could i wouldn't live with either of them. I keep telling my mum it's not about the money, this whole thing with my mum and dad has made me hate money, everything's about money and no one cares about people anymore. I hate it. I don't want her money, i want her time. And i don't get that, not ever recently. But i still shouldn't have said it to her like that, arguements are never the right time to admit things, it all comes out wrong in anger. So, im sorry mum. And i can hear them both crying, just like me. And everyone in my house is hurting so much right now, and i don't know what the right thing is to do.

Winters coming

Winters coming. Its only august and i can feel it already. The realization when you step out the door one day in summer and its already winter. The way the cold stings your cheeks and everything smells different. Its dull all the time, i cant even see the sky for clouds. You start to buy cardigan and jumpers, and make sure your umbrellas in your bag every time you set foot out the house. It makes me sad that you cant see the sun, that your never too warm. But i like it, i like the smell of winter, the smell of rain. Its the few months of nothing. Its not reached the exciting lead up to christmas, yet its left the fun of summer. Winters coming, i feel it.

Tattoo!

So i got my tattoo! My mum said i wasnt allowed to get it, typical mum eh? But i got it anyway, its tiny so its not like it matters. Its cute, its a present from Ally. Surprisingly it didn't really hurt, the outline did but except that no, it didnt. My first ever tattoo!

I want to leave

Im not sure i want to stay on at school anymore. I've not told anyone this. Its so hard as it is, doing 5 highers, but the amount of homework is impossible. One of my teachers said to me today that in fifth year your not supposed to have a life. I just want to be with Ally all the time. I dont want to be sitting in school, understanding absolutely nothing to come home and work some more. I want to be with him. To sleep till lunch time with him. To see him as much as i did. I miss him all the time, its unreal. Theres literally not a minute i dont think about him, and i cant concentrate on all the school stuff. I mean whats actually the point? Money. Its all about going to uni, to get a job, to earn money. Its such a waste. Half the people going to uni arent even able to get jobs now adays, so why am i doing this? Just want to sleep!

Whos the parent?

People say you learn how to parent from your own parents; I totally disagree. Its just been making me think recently how little i see my mum, i never want to be like that with my kids. I remember arguements so cleary from when i was younger. I'll use the naughty step and deal with things properly. One of the first memories i have of my dad was him dragging me down the stairs, thats terrifying when your so young, trying desperately to stand on your feet and getting pulled so fast you dont get the chance. I remember the huge huge arguements with my mum. I never ever want my kids to be scared of me. I wish i could tell my mum things more. Im so excited for getting my tattoo on Saturday, and i cant even share that with her. She'll see it once i have it, but the excitements half the fun! At this age, some of my drunken stories and the funniest things i have to tell, and i cant share that with her without getting an rant about what im doing wrong. I tell her people will drink at my party, that i'll try drugs. She says i wont. She wont just let me talk. I want to tell her about Ally like she tells me about her boyfriends, to tell her how much i love him, for her to offer to take me to the doctors like my dad did. I want her to let Ally stay. She doesnt seem like a mum to me. She's out just now, always is now adays. I'll be asleep by the time she's home. Im growing up and i dont even think she realises it. I cant remember the last time she made me dinner, lunch, breakfast even. I get myself to work and back. I make sure my school stuffs done, that my sisters ok, that the food thats moulded gets put in the bin, that the cats are fed, the house is locked up for the night. And she'll come creaping in at what? 2 in the morning. These are the things shes supposed to be doing right?

Dont risk everything you have for nothing

I ruin everything! I went to Roses on Friday night for her birthday. Lauren, Jessica, Shannon, Emily, Amy, Gemma, Rose, Lisa, Rhona and I; A real girly night. We had a big punch bowl, and sourz and took tons of pictures. We had a right laugh but i ended up getting intae Gemma, Amy & Shannon. I swore to Ally i wouldn't because we had already had words about it earlier and he pointed out that it was basically cheating. But i did it anyway. I cried so much; I didn't want him to finish with me, but in the long run i didn't want to lie to him or hide things from him. So i told him. And he said how much it hurt him and that he didn't know if he could trust me and i totally understand that. He didn't finish with me, i stayed at his last night and we're fine, thank god. I don't know why i'd even risk throwing all that away? It's not like i even like any of the girls, we're just good friends. And even though i don't count that as cheating, he does and really i should be putting his feelings before my own.

Its 5 months today

Love. Aw Ally, i love him more than i could ever have imagined. I remember the day i first kissed him, everyone was in my house and out on the trampoline laughing. It was cold and Ally was shivering, i wasn't cold i was wrapped in his arms. But he was freezing and we sat just looking into each others eyes for a minute, and so i kissed him. And we walked back across the wet grass, sparkling in the dark, back into the house holding hands. Him and Kevin walked me and Shannon up to Shannon's house later, and kissed me goodnight. I remember lying on the bed laughing at everything that had happened that night and being so utterly happy, i mean the picture tells the story. But even at that moment i would never have imagined i would feel the way i do now. Its 5 Months today. I love you Ally! x

Dont ever forget this night

Im writing this now because theres a good chance i wont remember everything in the morning. I think this is definitely a day i'll remember for a long, long time. To be lying next to your boyfriend and he's crying literally because you have the tiniest arguement, not even an argument but theres just tension. And he cries. That couldn't possibly have made me happier at that moment. Maybe thats sick that i'm happy when he's crying? But it makes me so happy to know that he actually does care. For him to whisper in my ear that he loves me and just cuddle me. For us to look into each others eyes and it not to be awkward at all. And all the time i had been wanting to utter the words 'i love you' but held back incase it was the opposite of what he was thinking. But he was exactly what he was thinking, only he was brave enough to say it. And i lay there and wiped his tears and i don't think i could possibly love him more. And i'm actually crying right now, because i don't think even i can believe this. I'm not sure i want to. But i think i might actually be in love with Ally.

Life's about the little things

Im sick of writing about the bad things in life. Thats not what life's all about. Sometimes im so caught up in the petty arguements, im blind to the bigger picture. Life's not about the arguements, everyone makes mistakes. Forgive them, life's too short to throw away the people you care about most over a mistake. Life's about the little things. The warmth of hugs, the love in people's eyes, that feeling when you wake up and realise you have more time to sleep, the sun, adrenaline when you run or on a rollercoaster, the relief when you wake up from a nightmare, your boyfriends breathe on your neck, the laughter of your bestfriend, going for a drive in the middle of the night, racing down the motor way with your dad, late night phone calls, smells that remind you of people no longer here, memories.

One of the best weeks of my life

Sunday. We were all up the hills again. I may actually be getting better with my drink. I had a lot more than usual and surprisingly wasn't sick or crying. Amy and I were totally loved up, screaming 'I love you!' at the top of our voices to each other, hugging wherever we went. I met so many new people and their all so lovely. And Ally was there with his friends, i spent some time with him too. No arguements. Nothing. I went home at half 2, and mum wasn't even bothered. She strangely never is now adays. Such a great night.
So on Monday i went to Allys. I've always hated getting my period, i mean who doesn't, but im glad i did have it when i saw him. It wasn't all about sex, we just cuddled and chatted and laughed. It's been a while since we done that. We rolled about laughing and played with each others hair and just actually had fun like we used to. I realised how much i actually do love him. He randomly texts me telling me how much he loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me and its so nice to know that he feels the same.
Tuesday. Emily and Amy came over, just like old times. I've been friends with both of them about 4/5 years now and i love them to pieces. I've seen them grow up really, and they've done the same with me. I mean we've all seen each other go through so much in the last few years and i know without them i wouldn't be who i am today. So it was really nice to just spend some time watching a few scary films and having a good old munch with them!
Wednesday. Exam results! I was ecstatic, literally jumping for joy. I thought i would rather get it in the post than in a text, more traditional or whatever. But since i wouldn't be home till Friday, i was glad i did get the text. Computing - A, Art - 2, Chemistry - 2, English - 2, Graphics - 2, Home Economics - 5, Maths - 2, Modern Studies - 1. I never expected to get anything like that! So proud of my self!
Thursday brought Alton Towers. Dad. Angel. Me. Sarah. It poured down, but i was still so happy. I love rollercoasters. All the butterflies in your stomach, the adrenaline. I love it all, the smell of doughnuts, the screams. Its just great.
And today? Soon im going to drag myself out of my comfy little bed at dads and get ready to go and get a massage and my nails done, Dad's treat. Then home, ready and off to Ally's.
Happy Happy Happy

I wish i knew what you were thinking

I spent another day with Ally, we went shopping with his mum then went back to his. Somethings changed and i don't know how to fix it. The comments he makes are horrible and he doesn't seem the slightest bit concerned he might be hurting me. Maybe he doesn't realise that saying my sunburns disgusting, pointing out my 'bingo wings', telling me my hairs a mess and saying he doesn't like my new earings would bother me, not including the smart comment about Bria poking me on facebook. Its everything in the way he sits, the way he doesn't put his arm round me anymore, barely holds my hand. And when he does touch me, its all sexual. And thats not what love is. But i let him, i risk that chance of me being pregnant (because just to make things worse, we've not used any form of contraception) just to feel his touch, to convince myself for a minute that there's nothing wrong.
But then he kisses my cheek. And that shows he cares right? And when we do, occasionally, hold hands i can feel the pulse, and i cant even tell whether its mine or his im so used to him. And surely theres still love there?
I don't think he feels that though. That pulse; the things girls notice, guys don't notice that right? Maybe he just feels he has to be there. Maybe im over reacting. Maybe he thinks nothing of it. Maybe everythings fine. I have no idea anymore. What the hell is wrong with me?

Safe to say jealousy flips

So i had a nice day with Ally on Wednesday and we made everything up and had a good laugh. Then yesterday i had spent a lovely day in Edinburgh with my mum and came home and checked facebook to find tons of status's and messages from Bria, Allys ex. 'Bria<3' 'I love bria<3' Yady yady ya. Alot more than that. I don't know if i was more upset or angry. I've not cried that hard in ages, and now it seems kind of stupid but he did the exact same thing with me before he finished with Bria the last time and i couldn't help but wonder if that's what he was doing now? I spoke to him about it, he said they were nothing just pals. The same thing i said about Andrew. I spoke to her aswell told her that better be all they are! If i had seen her yesterday i would have punched her the minute i saw her, i couldn't have hated her more if i tried. But she laughed, she said i should be able to trust Ally, she said he'd never do anything to me. And now i feel stupid, as if i over reacted. Andrew understood where i was coming from, he always does. No ones ever given me better advice than he has these past few weeks and i really don't know what i'd do without him now.
But me and Ally have made up and i'm seeing him again today. This is beginning to feel like im round about with Ally. Going over the same things every day, every couple of days now. Love, Argue, Cry, Love, Argue, Cry..

Advice from a stranger

Last night people went camping up the hills again. We met this guy, Ryan Gray, who was pretty drunk but pulled me and Ally over to the side and gave us this big chat. He had just finished with his girlfriend he had been out with for a year, and was telling us how much we would end up loving each other. But strangely, his piece of advice to us? Dont get into a serious relationship at this age.
I thought Ally had gotten over the whole Andrew thing, but obviously thats just how he acted to me since he brought it up again last night. He was really drunk, and i was sober. We had words about it, but i thought we were fine. I went up the hills with the girls though and i wanted to spend some time with them since now adays it feels like i hardly see them, and i'm taking them for granted way to much and i know. I was trying to spend sometime with them, show them i do still care. But ally kept pulling me away telling me he was jealous. I explained to him that i just wanted to see them for a bit since i had came up the hills with them. But still he kept pulling me back, and it ended up quite awkward.
Everyone decided to go for a walk after the police turned up and i decided to walk on front with Amy, to avoid how awkward it was and aswell just to have a good chat. But then i heard Ally saying "I cant go, cause some people dont want me there" quite clearly talking about me. I stopped to see what he had to say, and realised him and Rose were both sitting talking about why they thought we had fell out. Ally just suddenly got angry and started shouting and swearing at me. I know he was drunk, and i dont think he would get like that with me sober but i wasn't about to just stand there and take someone shouting at me like that. So i shouted back. It doesn't help i know, but he was angry about whatever Rose had just said to him and he had no right to take that out on me.
But yet again, we made up.
Now this morning its just so awkward. Starting to wonder if Ryan's advice was right.

Jealousy

So we made up from the last time i wrote in this. Last weekend we were all at Allys again, and Andrew text me something that we had been joking about before, it wasnt something everyone would understand, so he text me it instead of just saying it. He said 'babe' at the end, but to me that doesnt mean anything really, me and Andrew are just like that. But Ally read it and started going on a big rant about why he had said it. When Ally was outside later i went to talk to Andrew about what Ally had said. Partly to warn him incase Ally mentioned it to him, partly because Andrews the person i can trust most about relationship stuff. I didn't realise it then, but Ally must have seen us talking and later started asking what we were talking about. I told him we were just friends, and it didn't mean anything, but he just said it didnt seem like that.
We made up. Like usual.

I guess alcohal does bring out your true feelings

I regret this night so much. I doubt me and Ally will ever go back to being the same now, and that makes me contemplate even more whether i shoud stay with him. We were all at his drinking and just generally mucking about. I cant even be sure of what happened but i ended up in the toilets crying. I know, I know i wouldnt be the first time. But i ended up spilling all my feelings about Ally to Leah who seemed pretty shocked to say the least. Somewhere in this jumble of my mixed up feelings, i had sex with Ally. Well at least i think i did. Honestly, i cant remember it but from the way he was talking id think we did. Maybe it was somewhere around then that i clicked back into thinking i didn't like him. My mind felt like a light switch, never quite sure whether my feelings for Ally were on or off. And so i returned back down stairs, and told Jamie & Andrew that i wasn't sure about liking him. I thought i could trust them, i mean Jamie's told me stuff before about Rose. Im not even sure i said bye to Ally, but i didn't stay like i was supposed to. I phoned my dad and went home, barely able to get into the car.
Later Andrew phoned me and we had a long chat, since he told me he actually had alot of the same problems with his girlfriend, Rebecca. He was still with Ally, but he just didn't know Andrew was on the phone to me. I told Andrew so much, and it strange that now i actually dont know what i would do without him to talk to. But whilst i was on the phone to him, they all ended up meeting up with Lauren & Rose. Both of which Ally has kissed before, so yeah, you could say i didnt trust him around them. And Ally actually said 'If becca had finished with me tonight, i could of just went with Lauren'. I didn't doubt at all that he said that, it's him written all over. But i guess it still shocked me, it still hurt because i suppose somewhere inside i sort of hoped he wouldnt cheat on me. I mean, he didnt. But he wanted to all the same.

Or maybe thats just what friendship is?

I'm really doubting today how much i actually like Ally. You ever felt that? One day your totally loved up and the next your wondering why the hell your wasting your time instead of looking for someone else? He's not even done anything. Its the total cliche 'It's not you it's me' situation. I don't finish with him when i feel like this because then i think, well could i be doing that's better? And i cant think of anything. So am i just buying my time until someone better comes along? Because that would be wrong, and if that's true i should finish it now instead of hurting him, because i do care about him, i know that. But maybe it's just as a friend. And what happens if i wake up tomorrow and love him again?

Is this what love is?

Lying watching a film cuddled up with Ally and I wouldn't have wished to be doing anything else in the whole entire world. I surprise myself at quite how comfortable i am around him now, how comfortable i am that i can do and say whatever i want with him and that's okay. It may be strange that the thought actually ran through my mind that i don't think I've ever been as at home around a guy as i am around Ally, except being around my dad. Of course that's a totally different type of relationship. But its knowing that your not constantly judged on your actions, that your imperfections don't bother that person. And it's funny, the things that used to annoy me about Ally... i just kind of except as him. And i guess i wouldn't want him any other way. I actually strangely feel sort of lost without him, after being around him so much in study leave, going back to school is weird. I don't realize how much i love him, even writing this now but when i face the fact that i could lose all this, my stomach flips. Its then that i think i couldn't possibly love him anymore, and yet everyday he proves me to be a liar.

Galadayyyyyyy!

It was the galaday a couple of days ago, and it was great! The procession was okay, i stood with Shannon and the usual people, but with Rose and Emily as well, and Ross, Katie etc. It was a lot of different groups of people, but good! It wasn't that hot, but everyone was happy anyway. Later we all went up to Kevin's grans so he could get his drink. Me and Shannon already had 2 bottles of wine before we left at 9 in the morning haha! And had some sidekick with us. After that we went to Lisa's for a bit, and i thought it would be awkward when she got back, but it wasn't at all. She was so nice to me! There was a fight later on, but i'd say she deserved it. Its fair to say i wasn't too happy she was all over all in her bra? But yeah, Lauren had her own reasons for battering her. Everyone was wayyyy to drunk, and i ended up staying at Allys with Jamie and Kevin. All in all, amazing day!

A big event or a forgotten one

I should probably write about this since its supposed to be a big night in my life. Yet i don't feel like it was at all. I feel no different. I broke my virginity. I shagged Ally.
It was his football awards ceremony and the first time I had properly met his mum and dad. His mum bought us drink, but i was really conscious of how i acted on front of her, I didn't want to make a bad impression. But his mum and dad left an hour or so before us and we finished all the drink so by the time we made it up to the pub for the awards ceremony, we were pretty drunk. His mum didn't seem to care though and the whole thing passed so fast. I was supposed to be staying at my dads, but whilst drunk me and Ally thought it would be a good idea to text both our parents and ask to stay with each other. None of them were bothered and so we did. I don't want to write down everything that happened and when on this. I don't know who's reading it, and i guess i kind of want to keep it to myself. I hope i remember it. I guess thats why i write this whole blog, so that one day i can look back and read it all.

'You pierced your navel!' - Freaky Friday

Aha! This is exactly what my mum would say if we happened to switch bodies like in Freaky Friday right now. My dad took me a couple of weeks ago to get my belly pierced and it hardly hurt at all. I love it, its so cute! Its blue. But yeah, my mum doesn't know yet, and i'm not planning on telling her till my exams are over. Then at least i can give the whole "at least i waited" ruitine. Thankfully for the past few days she's been in Tenerife with David (another boyfriend, lost count by now eh?) so she hasn't had the time to notice it. Hehe!

So happy I could die

Im literally just so happy. In the past few weeks, i've actually cried because of it. I think this is the first time in my life i've cried with joy. This is the first time in months i've been just so utterly, ecstatically happy. I cant actually think of one thing i'd change about my life right now.
Me and Ally will have been out for 2 months in 2 days. I know that might sound pathetic and childish, as its not long. But it feels a lot longer. I hardly ever get butterflies when i see him (although, i did once and got way to excited about it hahahah! sad thing that i am) but i love him. I do. I wouldn't say im 'in love', and if i'm quite honest i'm not sure i actually know what being in love is. But i'm not scared of falling in love. Not if it's with Ally. I used to be so scared; with Matt, with Connor, with Jamie. But Ally's different. Just everything about it's different. It's a lot more real. I mean, i was out with all of them a lot less time, but i liked them so fast and rushed into everything. I was so scared of liking them too much, but now i'm not scared.
Matt Matt Matt. I regret talking to him so much, but somehow i can't stop. I say so much to him that i shouldn't, not when i'm out with Ally anyway. But i say it anyway, and wish i hadn't the moment after. Maybe it's because i've known him so long. Or perhaps because of how much, or how long, or how young.. i liked him.
I only have 4 exams left, and so far their going well. I'm not very good at making myself revise, but im not worried. I'm happy and to be honest, i don't think failing could bring my mood down. And anyway, being happy's whats most important, right?
I've also seen the venue for my party and i love love love it!! Its at Di Vinci's in Livingston, and its gorg! Its totally huge, and i'm allowed up to 120 people, i'd say thats the best part!
Im so happy i could die

Happy Happy Happy!

I am so happy! I'm now on study leave, well i should be at school for another 2 days, but i convinced mum that i should stay at home and revise, so thats pretty much me! I'm doing well with my revision for maths. Me and Shannon are really close now, but im trying to still be close with everyone else. They were bitching about me, but we're all gonna try and forget it, and just be friends. I'm still out with Ally, i'm still kinda confused about whether i like him or not.. i don't constantly want to see him, i don't get butterflies when i see him, i wouldn't even see him as that attractive. But when theres a slight chance of me losing him.. Thats when my stomach flips. I know i don't want to lose him. I don't understand myself if i'm honest, but i'm happy so i'll leave things as they are for now.
I started talking to Matt the other day. Well, he started talking to me. He told me all this stuff, and its strange that he still trusts me. I know i could still trust him with anything though even after all this time. I used to miss Matt so much, and its funny that now i don't anymore; thats when we start to talk again. But it's nice to talk to him all the same!
Its nearly summer too, and the sun's shining nearly everyday. The shorts & Shades are out! And everyone's happy!

Fame within Shame

Last Saturday, i was working like usual. I'm almost embarrassed, ashamed to be seen it the cafe. Its green, connotations of sick, illness.. and food? Not my idea of a sophisticated luncheon. Pieces of discarded bacon scatter the floor, the leaking teapots raining yellowish tea over the overused 'table cloths'. And yet, i returned from the kitchen to find Susan Boyle, sat in the middle of the cafe. I mean, she stays near me so I've seen her before and its not such an unexpected sight for the residents of West Lothian. But yet i nearly found myself cringing, surely she would rather enjoy a delicious lunch somewhere else? She certainly had the money now she was famous. But as my dad said, maybe thats my claim to fame; serving Susan Boyle breakfast.

French toast in the Sun

Its the last week of school before the Easter Holidays, which then follows onto study leave, so basically my last week of 4th year. The next time I return back to School, I will have experienced the stress of studying like my life depends on it, I will have experienced the worry of exams, and i will be returning to 5th year, to new subjects.
Its a Thursday. Lisa has been shouting things at me again. Pathetic. She's never actually came up and said anything to me, just immature words hurled over the room at me. But the thing that kills me is Emily chooses to sit with her over me? As does Rose. So yeah, I didnt want to spend my last week, spending 3 hours straight with her in my core classes. I pretended I was ill, but im not. Im happy. The first sunny days of the year are here, and instead of being in school, i made my first french toast ever which im now eating in the sun whilst reading my book. My idea of a perfect morning!

Ally

Im out with ally, and have been for a week or so. But, im still not so sure i like him. Last weekend everyone came over to mines; Me, Shannon, Ally, Connor(not connor connor:L), Dylan, Kevin, Andrew and Gary. We were all drunk and i kissed Ally alot, and Shannon kissed Kevin alot. Gary spewed in my sink, up my toilet walls & broke a picture. My mum, as expected wasn't overjoyed. But all in all, id say it was worth it.

'Talk to me babe:*? What you in babycakes:*? Love you sweetheart:* xxxxxxxxxxxxxx<3' - Connor. Confused much?

Is it possible to convince yourself into something?

Save? Spend? Save? Spend?

I decided to save my money from work this week, but then found myself on internet sites, and now i have a whole bunch of stuff i want to buy! I love this necklace, its from Alice in wonderland. I confuse myself so much. Not just this but, i think i like Ally. Im not even sure, well he likes me. And i want to like him, but do i actually like him? Or have i just tried to convince myself into liking him so much that i now think i do?

Coffee Club 2

I went to my second day of work like i said i would and i'm glad i did. It was so much easier than the first week; quite boring but easy. I understood most of what people were ordering and managed to take everything to the right tables. The only thing was i had to work later & got payed less which doesn't make much sense to me. But i guess persistence really does pay off

Seizure & Shoplifting

Shannon took a seizure in maths today. Im not in her maths class but everyone started pouring out of her class and i took a minute to shout and ask Rose what was happening, but all Rose said was "Shannon" and thats all it took to make my stomach flip. I knew what it would be, and i wish i was there for her. Im the only one that knows what to do, and i wasnt there. Its the kind of thing that makes you feel sick, makes shivers run down your spine. She's ok. I knew she would be, but it didnt stop me wishing i was there.

Later on that day i went shopping with Emily, Rose, Rhona & Lisa. I had £80, with which i bought boots, 2 tops, a ring and lipstick. I stole things too, i have done before. But.. is that bad? I took moisturiser, kirbys, nail varnish & earings. I know i shouldn't have, but if i can get away with it, then why not?

..

Theres always the guys you just cant help but like

Revise revise revise

Oh my god. Revision is all i can think about! When people told me i would have to revise a lot, i don't think i took it quite as seriously as i should have. I guess its just getting my head down and revising my ass off for the next few weeks.

Coffee Club

I got my first ever job! I'm only 15, but because its privately owned they'll still employ me. Its a small cafe, called the coffee club; as the title suggests. I started yesterday, its a Saturday job. I wasn't nervous at all, but now that its done i'm not looking forward to the next time at all. It was a total disaster, and id honestly advice anyone i know to never eat in their. Its the type of place that picks things off the floor to put on the plate, or picks the burnt bits off with his fingers, not to mention the fact I didn't see the cook wash his hands once! My job involves taking peoples orders and telling the people in the kitchen, then taking their food to them and once their done, clearing the table. It sounds so simple and for the first and last couple of hours it is. But for the hours inbetween i hate it with a passion. The people who go there are old, or have things wrong with them and i cant understand what they are ordering! They kitchen staff send me to all the wrong tables with all the wrong food and people return it. Its horrible. But i get £40 a day which is pretty good right? Im going to go back for a few more weeks and see how i get on, if i really hate it, i'll quit but at least i should give it a go.

I also got 90% for KU, and 95% for RE in my maths general prelim! Im so proud of myself. Ive done all the essays i need to do for english and i've made my subject choices. I've been revising nearly everyday but somehow still making time for my friends. I've gave my dad a second chance(or third? fourth? whatever..) since him and Steph split up, and i've stayed at his new house. Somehow i just feel so much more mature these past few weeks.

Shannon

Well the day with the 6 didn't happen. Only Emily came, I was pretty bored but at least we had a chance to have a good chat:). I really miss Shannon though. Me and Shannon have become so much closer and right now she seems the person who i'm actually closest to. We have big chats with Ally, Kevin & Connor(different Connor by the way) where we stay up all night, and its a laugh. But shes still in hospital and i miss her! She thought she was fine but the doctors didn't really know what was wrong with her. They were going to take her off antibiotics but she took another seizure this morning. I really hope shes okay and gets better soon. Love you Shaz!

Time passes so fast

I just realized its spring! How great is life eh? I'm having a night in with a face mask & catching up on Eastenders. Tomorrow i'm having a day with the 6, well except Shannon:( shes in hospital. She passed out on Thursday and only woke up today; its Sunday by the way. So yeah, she not wont be there tomorrow, but i'm looking forward to a good catch up with the girls anyway! I have 6 weeks left of school until study leave. Its one of those situations where you don't really know how to feel. I cant wait for the holiday and to walk out of that final exam. But at the same time, the end of the exams means the end of being young in a way. Well, not being young so much, just growing up. People will be leaving school. People will be getting jobs. I'm not, i'm staying on for 5th year but it scares me how old i am and how fast times past. I mean, in 6 months or so i could leave school, get a job, move out, have a baby, get married. I know i wont. But its scary to think that people i know will. That when i go back to school after summer, not everyone will be there. I'm gonna miss people alot:(

Age is a high price to pay for maturity

Just the other day she was a little girl taking over the world with her smile.

I really do need to grow up. Im going to 16 in a few months and if im honest, im not mature at all. My little sisters more mature than me. I come home drunk. I dont do what im told. I fail prelims. Im not interested in what my mum has to say. I dont tell her what my plans are. Basically. I dont care. But i need to start caring. I mean, going out getting drunk, parties, drugs, guys etc. Thats part of growing up right? But i guess my mum doesn't need to see that side of it. I know i can look after myself. But i need to make her see that. So today i got up. I cleaned the kitchen, folded the washing, hoovered the livingroom, cleaned my room. Im going to revise for a couple of hours and then i'm going out. Thats a fair deal right?

The party which didnt happen

what am i doing? hahahahaha

my mums going out on saturday night and im having people over. well, someone called it a party? but i wouldnt call it that.. just 20 or so people coming over for a drink and stuff. it doesnt sound like that big a deal eh? but i have a lodger; someone that rents a room in my house, i just hope she doesnt phone my mum. my mum will be back at some point and she told me it'll be really late, but my sister just told me shes been ill so she might be back early! well this is gonna be funny.

Abercrombie whore?

jack wills whores.

not quite, abercrombie & fitch but along the same lines i guess.

i just bought and abercrombie jumper for £89, i adore it, but my mum, to say the least; was not pleased. she goes on about how shes in dept and she doesnt have the kind of money. the roles are upside down though, as everything is in my life, and surprisingly, i do have the money. i have £175, some of which is christmas money, some birthday money, and some pocket money. but you know, why shouldnt i be able to treat myself?

Smell of burnt hair

sitting in the waiting room in a&e with a woman in a long fur jacket who smelt of burnt hair does not go down well with me after being phoned from my nice warm, skive from school, bed at 10 in the morning to have to go to hospital. i swear i cannot take going to hospital with my gran anymore! actually that makes it sound like i was there for my gran. i wasnt. i was there for me. my mum overreacts and sends me to hospital if i get an ulser, thinking in dreadfully unwell. again, i wasnt. but hey! i got put on infliximab, which is what ive been asking the doctors to put me on for months. eventually they listen, i guess i do know what works for me then eh?

Moving backwards into the future

2 down 2 to go.

I have to take 4 sitromag drinks. 1 last night, 1 this morning, 1 tonight, 1 tomorrow morning. Im getting another endoscopy & colonoscopy. It'll be weird to be back there again, in hospital having the same procedures, for the same reasons. Its what i was doing a year ago. It kind of makes me feel like i'm moving backwards; i know what to expect, but its still the same. I think its not just this. I mean, im drifting away from my friends just like i was this time last year. I like Connor, just like i liked Matt. But i don't do anything about it, and i'll end up losing what ever i think i have in him, just like i did with Matt. I've realised, i dont make an effort with people. And i really need to start.

Life's unbelievably embarrassing

Louise's party was on Friday and i had decided that i wasn't going to drink that much. That soon went down the drain and i was drunk before i even left my house. I don't remember much of it at all. The things i remember: giving Louise her card, kissing Connor, figuring out 8x8, burning my hand on a fag, falling and kyle helping me up. I was sick, and got taken home at half 10. I always embarrass myself so much:(! Rose phoned me the next morning to tell me that me & Connor were all over each other and that everyone kept talking about it, which is strange because i don't even remember getting intae him once, lol. So yeah, school should be fun tomorrow eh?

Excitement

I CANNOT WAIT FOR LOUISE'S PARTY TOMORROW.

Cabbage, Goat & Wolf

hahahaha. we have a new maths teacher and he has no clue. its hilarious, despite the fact if it was down to him id be undoubtedly failing maths. today he must have decided maths wasn't for him and promptly gave us a different kind of problem to solve.

'A man has a basket of cabbages, a goat and a wolf. He has to cross a bridge and take all of them across one at a time. But the wolf will eat the goat if they are alone. And the goat will eat the cabbages if the are alone. How does he take them all across?'

Go solve. I think this is about the best 'maths' question I've ever been asked.

What if we knew what the future would bring?

'What if we knew what the future would bring? Would we fix it? Could we?' - Cecelia Ahern.

There's always the question of whether people would want to know into their future; what would look like? would they be married? what jobs they would have? kids? I personally think it kind of ruins the surprise, don't you? I mean, if you lived your full life knowing exactly what would happen the next day, well sure you might be able to stop arguments and wouldn't make mistakes, but isn't it the mistakes that make us who we are? Nothing would be spontaneous; everything already pre-planned in your mind. And what if you didn't like what you saw? What if you never got married? Never fell in love? What if you were alone? Stuck in a job you hated? In some grotty flat? What if you found out you couldn't have kids? What if the people you loved died? Would you really want to see all that in the future? Knowing all the heartbreak that was ahead of you? I know i wouldn't.

Theres nothing wrong

theres nothing actually wrong with my life is there? ive got a great group of friends, and i lovely family. my dad text me earlier, so thats not bothering me. and me and connor, we're nothing. and even better, i have someone faking a scots accent on sex and the city to laugh at.

Sick of hiding my feelings

who the hell do i talk to?!!? emilys so wrapped up in who she likes. and i cant talk to rose. amy not good at having these kind of conversations. i just tried with gemma and she doesnt know what to say ive bearly started. and shannons not online.

i am so bloody confused. i miss my dad so much. i dont admit that to anyone. i dont admit much to anyone now adays. but i do. i miss him alot. i want to see him but i know he's not the person i miss. i miss the person he used to be, so so much! us laughing and joking about, and how he was so into his family and how he was so fat and happy and loving. but thats not him anymore. how do i get him back? i love my dad so much. but who he's turned into.

and connor. what the hell. the other night he was calling me beautiful and sexy and cute. and saying i needed to have more confidence and that we should meet up and stuff. but i didnt think it was him, so i was fine with that. but i was him. and now that confuses me even more, because we've hardly spoke since and i dont understand it? we say we'll talk more in school, or he'll come through, or we'll meet up, but we never do. and when we go back to school its gonna be all him & amy and theres gonna be no need for me. and then what? just forget about it? pretend like i dont care? im sick of pretending, of hiding all my feelings.

i really just want a hug.

Happy New Year

Rose's new years party was great! Everyone was drunk and 6 people were sick. But apart from that, it was good. And its new year, and a fresh start, so im happy:D!