What do i do?

"I dont care if you never come here again, it would be less stress for me not to have to deal with you anyway", thanks for that dad. So i sat in my room at my dads for 7 hours today with nothing to do. I know im not wanted, and he's just made that perfectly clear. What do i do? Some one tell me, because i have no idea. I cant do this anymore. All the arguements and making up; i cant do it. I would never blame this on someone, but im just saying, since all the arguements, im getting unwell, i was sick last night.. ive lost half a stone in the past 5 days.. I dont want to go to his anymore, but thats wrong, isnt it? he's my dad, i should want to see him?

But, 2 parties in one weekend isnt bad. How do you manage to pull a radiator off a wall? Cause i surely dont remember it!

Porogative

Its your porogative!
I dont even know what porogative means. Thats how much he doesnt listen.
My dad, he never listens. Arguement after arguement, i hate it.
I want to keep a relationship with him, but its so hard. I cant deal with this anymore, but i need to? he's my dad. I dont wanna be one of those girls who never see their dad.

There are 990 tiles on the ceiling of my exam hall and im having a relapse

God, i havent wrote in this for a while, it feels so good to have somewhere to let all this out.

Ive just done most of my prelims. I dont know whats happened, i used to be so smart. I used to get 1's and 2's.. now im barely scraping a 4. Everyones so disappointed. But i dont need to be told this. I know. I need to improve, i want to improve.
I want to be a psyciatrist. I want to go to university. I want to be happy.
But im not.

I finished with someone 2 weeks ago. One of my best friends is seeing him.
'Id never do that to you'
Bullshit.
I act like im angry, and i guess i am, or.. i was. Im upset. Upset that she would do that to me. Upset that she doesnt care. Upset that she makes this my decision. If i want her to stay away from him, ive to tell her. How can you stop your bestfriend from being happy? But yet.. she's doing that to me.

And then theres Calum. I dont usually mention names in this, but theres a first for everything.
Do i like Calum? I dont even know anymore. He can make me smile on my worst days, and right now i'm glad i have him in my life.

Im having a relapse. My dad doesnt care. He wants his 'family' weekends away. But its not my family. Stephs not my family, shes his girlfriend. Her sister, her mum, her dad, her brother in law, her niece, her stepdad.. Are they my family? No. I want to get better. I want to go to my hospital appointments. I want to change my drugs. They're not working and i know it. I can feel it. Its the being sick etc. But its my eyes. Its my eyes that give it away. The tiredness. Everything was blurry the other day. Thats what it was like before and to be honest i just want to see my doctors.
I have crohns disease.
It scares me to write this on here, because i dont know who will read this.
But i need to say it.