God, i havent wrote in this for a while, it feels so good to have somewhere to let all this out.
Ive just done most of my prelims. I dont know whats happened, i used to be so smart. I used to get 1's and 2's.. now im barely scraping a 4. Everyones so disappointed. But i dont need to be told this. I know. I need to improve, i want to improve.
I want to be a psyciatrist. I want to go to university. I want to be happy.
But im not.
I finished with someone 2 weeks ago. One of my best friends is seeing him.
'Id never do that to you'
Bullshit.
I act like im angry, and i guess i am, or.. i was. Im upset. Upset that she would do that to me. Upset that she doesnt care. Upset that she makes this my decision. If i want her to stay away from him, ive to tell her. How can you stop your bestfriend from being happy? But yet.. she's doing that to me.
And then theres Calum. I dont usually mention names in this, but theres a first for everything.
Do i like Calum? I dont even know anymore. He can make me smile on my worst days, and right now i'm glad i have him in my life.
Im having a relapse. My dad doesnt care. He wants his 'family' weekends away. But its not my family. Stephs not my family, shes his girlfriend. Her sister, her mum, her dad, her brother in law, her niece, her stepdad.. Are they my family? No. I want to get better. I want to go to my hospital appointments. I want to change my drugs. They're not working and i know it. I can feel it. Its the being sick etc. But its my eyes. Its my eyes that give it away. The tiredness. Everything was blurry the other day. Thats what it was like before and to be honest i just want to see my doctors.
I have crohns disease.
It scares me to write this on here, because i dont know who will read this.
But i need to say it.
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