What do i feel?

I just feel so empty. I don't even know what I feel right now at all. I cant sleep, there's too much in my head but at the same time there's nothing there. I'm totally lost what to even write. I don't feel close to anyone at all in the world right now and I don't know why. I have close friends still, but I don't feel like I want to tell them as much. And now I'm sitting in bed in the dark crying and I don't have the slightest idea why. I want my old dad back. But that's never gonna happen, he's a totally different person now and everyone that was once close to him can see that. I told him I'm not going to his house anymore and it hurt him, I know it did. It hurt me aswell, but it was the only was I knew how to stop the arguements. I thought it was easier. Now we're hardly talking. So maybe it was easier? But this wasn't what I wanted. So maybe it wasn't easier? Or was this what I wanted? I don't even know anymore. I revised for chemistry today. Sometimes I really want to do well in school, because I want to go to university. I want to be a psychiatrist. But then some days I wonder if thats actually what i want. I have to choose my subjects in a few months and I have no idea what i want to choose? Ive told myself i'm choosing maths, english, chemistry, biology and one other subject which ive not decided on. But why am i choosing these? To get into uni? I hate maths & chemistry. English bores me so much. Ive never even tried biology. Its the christmas holidays right now and i'd rather be back in school. Theres too much time to think when your off. Did i mention i kissed Connor at Toms party? Well i kissed him again. I have no idea what i even think about him. People keep telling me I like him and maybe i do? But then again, maybe i don't? Rose liked Connor. I wasnt going to tell her i kissed him again, but i did. I wish i hadnt now, i feel like a bitch and it was one of the most awkward moments of my life after i told her. But i dont know if she likes him, she told me she didnt, so its not really bitchy is it? Rose is having a party for new year on friday and i'm really surprised my mum actually agreed to buying me vodka & strongbow. I keep crying and i dont know why. I wish i knew. I wish i wasnt so confused about everything right now. Why do i feel like i have no one to talk to when i have so many people? Why am i pouring my feelings out on this instead of to my friends?