I miss the laughter

Everyone says its all about the games. Playing hard to get etc. But what happens when you take it too far? When your whole relationships tangled in the games, caught up in the confusion of whats actually real. I've made him jealous, it works you know, makes him realise how much he wants you. But there comes a point where its not a game anymore, where the jealousy develops into hurt. I was stupid, really stupid. I used to always think relationship's weren't about the trust. How wrong i was. You should never break someone's trust like i did. I know it hurt him, it was cruel and vindictive and wrong. But im twisted at times, even i can see it. I like to see him jealous, i like to do what people tell me not to. I hate that side to me. Its ruined this. The best thing thats ever happened to me, and i've ruined it. Maybe he needs some space? To realise that he does want me. Or for me to realise i don't want him. But maybe thats just another game? I don't know how to fix this. Theres nothing to say anymore. We make awkward chat about nothing because i know he doesn't care. Its old, he knows everything about me, theres nothing knew to say. I know what he'll be doing and when. Its old. We know each other too well. Maybe we went to fast? You know, i'd like to slow it down. To take it back to the start. I was so nervous of everything. To laugh with him. To meet his mum for the first time. Everything. The laughing, thats what's missing you know. We used to make each other laugh so easily. We used to play fight, and laugh, and lead to kissing. And thats what i miss. Now i don't know what he wants me to do. Im scared to play fight with him incase he doesn't want me. Even to cuddle him incase he doesn't want me. But i miss him so much. I want to laugh with him, but a laugh cant be forced.